This past Sunday and Monday was a reminder of why I don't wager on sports...and instead focus my efforts for the adrenaline rush of gambling solely on poker.

Not only did I go 5-9-1 with my picks to drop my season record to 12-18-1, but at around 2:45 on Sunday afternoon, it looked like I was going to win six of my eight insideSTL.com approved recommendations...and then all hell broke loose.

The Rams were covering against the Giants.

The Vikings were covering against the Colts.

The Bears were covering against the Panthers.

The Saints were covering against the Redskins.

And, the Jaguars were covering against the Bills.

By 3:05, each one of those teams had been worked over and lost...both their games and against the spread.

If I would've had some cash on those games, I'd have been going batshit. I remember the feeling, and even though it only cost me the pride of having to report to the fine people dedicated to insideSTL.com that I'm now 12-18-1 on the season, it's a reminder of why I hadn't wagered on sports...

...until last weekend...kind of.

While I was out at a local establishment last week, a gentleman asked me if I wanted to partake in a parlay card...in which I could select as many games as I wanted to, put down as much cash as I wanted to, and if I hit all of my picks, I'd get paid off handsomely for my fine achievement.

So, for the hell of it, I put $20 down and filled out one of these things. But, I left my card with the teams I picked at the office...so I forgot all of the games I picked. I knew I selected 5 teams, and I knew that if all 5 hit, I'd win $400 (20 to 1).

So, knowing I picked the 5-star play of the weekend (USC -12 versus Ohio State), I knew I was in the ballgame after Saturday going 1 for 1. I also remembered that I picked another easy one in Green Bay -3 against the Lions. I took the 49ers on the road +6 against the Seahawks. And, I laid the 9 points to the Rams and went with the Giants.

But, I couldn't remember the 5th game I picked.

So, I anxiously awaited returning to the insideSTL.com World Headquarters Monday morning to see if I was going to get paid in the Escalade.

And, sure enough, I had taken the Saints +1 against the Redskins. Pretty sweet...considering the Saints had a 9 point lead with 5 minutes left...and then pissed it away.

So it goes...

It's time to right the ship here on insideSTL.com and get back on track to reaching my goal of picking 60% correct against the spread. But, for now, I'm going What About Bob and just trying to get to 40%...because so far, this is a disaster:

Rams at Seahawks (-9.5): The first two weeks of the season, I picked the Rams. Last week, I picked the Rams just because I'm convinced that if a game appears to be a lock, it automatically is not. However, that hasn't worked out too well so far (see the season record of 12-18-1). This Rams' game is tough...because I think the Seahawks really suck. Plus, Seattle literally has lost its top six receivers. Nonetheless, I'm now convinced that the Rams' secondary is so bad that the Rams' receivers could score on them. Pick: Seahawks (-9.5)

Chiefs at Falcons (-5.5): If this game were on Fox, it would be a toss-up as to whether or not J.C. Pearson calls this debacle or the "Showdown In Seattle" featuring the Rams and Seahawks. The Chiefs sucked going into the season, and now they're already down to their 3rd-string QB, the great  Tyler Thigpen, who had an unfortunate photo released yesterday. My grandfather once told me, "Never bet against a guy quarterbacking a team who has a picture of himself fucking a skeleton." Pick: Chiefs (+5.5)

Raiders at Bills (-9.5): The Bills are the real deal, I guess. I still can't name more than 3 people on their team, but I'm quite certain that they'll have at least 3 wins by the end of September...since the Anonymous Express rolls through St. Louis in a week. The Raiders looked good last week in Kansas City, but that's only because the guy fucking the skeleton wasn't starting at QB just yet. Pick: Bills (-9.5)

Texans at Titans (-5): Things with Vince Young are so strange that Jeff Fisher is going with Kerry Collins at QB indefinitely. The only thing a coach or manager could do that would be more fucked up than that would be to start two middle infielders in the outfield in the middle of a pennant race. Pick: Texans (+5)

Bengals at Giants (-13.5): I honestly believe the Giants aren't that good. The fact that the Rams hung around with them for 52 minutes illustrates that. However, I honestly believe if the Rams and Bengals were to meet, there's a chance the game would end in a 0-0 tie with the ball never moving inside the red zone...ever. Pick: Giants (-13.5)

Cardinals at Redskins (-3): Kurt Warner is making it feel like 1999 again...just in another city...while this city feels like it's 1998 again. I can't figure out if Arizona is legitimate or not. They beat the 49ers and the Dolphins...which is a lot like bragging to your friends that you got laid the last two nights with two different lasses...only to reveal you were pounding away at Carnie Wilson and a hooker. Pick: Redskins (-3)

Dolphins at Patriots (-12.5): If you lose to the Cardinals in Arizona, you're going to lose by more than 12.5 to the Patriots in Foxboro. I don't care if it's Matt Cassel or Tony Banks under center, the Dolphins aren't stopping anybody...and they're not scoring. The Dolphins and Rams have November 30th circled on their calendars...because when those two meet at the Dome that day, there's a chance that one of the two will win a game. Pick: Patriots (-12.5)

Bucs at Bears (-3): The Bears are tougher to figure out than a So Taguchi soundbite. One week, they go up to Indianapolis and pound away at the Colts. The next week they blow a lead to Carolina and piss away a sure victory. But, I think that despite Mike Martz's claims that Larry Marmie "is the best," I'm going to go with Lovie Smith. Pick: Bears (-3)

Panthers at Vikings (-3.5): I am now releasing my first 5 Star Game of The Week. This spread screams---I mean screams---trap game for you degenerate gamblers. The Panthers are 2-0...they've beaten a good 0-2 Chargers team and a good 1-1 Bears team. The Vikings are 0-2 and have FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY Gus Frerotte starting at quarterback after benching Tarvaris Jackson. Gamblers around the world will be loading up on the Panthers. If you do, get ready to pay your man on Tuesday. This is a 5 Star Play: Pick: Vikings (-3.5)

Lions at 49ers (-4): This has the potential to get ugly...and not just because of the two teams competing. Mike Martz and Don Corleone have the same views on vengeance. And, Coach Shootnfix will be looking to go Barry Switzer-on-1980's-Missouri-football-ass on the Lions. And, while the 49ers aren't half as good as the 1980's Sooners, the Lions aren't half as good as the 1980's Tigers. Pick: 49ers (-4)

Saints at Broncos (-5.5): Even if Ed Hochuli isn't officiating this game, the Broncos look like a powerhouse at Invesco. They're putting up points like they're playing the Rams every week, and they're going up against a team that somehow allowed the Redskins to hang nearly 30 on them last week. Like Producer Joe and an unlimited supply of boat drinks, it's a deadly combination. Pick: Broncos (-5.5)

Steelers at Eagles (-3): It's the battle of Pennsylvania, and I really think it could be a Super Bowl preview...kind of like last Monday night in Dallas could've been an NFC Championship preview...and kind of like the Verne Troyer sex tape is a preview of the conception of my first-born. Pick: Eagles (-3)

Jaguars at Colts (-5.5): Jack Del Rio is going to have his boys fuck some shit up this weekend. They're 0-2, and the Colts have that 2007 baseball Cardinals "uh, oh. we just got old in a hurry" look about them. I really like the Jaguars and the points here...which means I should take the Colts. But, I'm tired of the Jedi mind tricks. I'm going with my instincts...just like I did when I called an all-in raise at the World Series of Poker with a set of 4's. Pick: Jaguars (+5)

Browns at Ravens (-2.5): The Ravens have played one game, had another cancelled by a hurricane, and scored a total of 17 points. Nonetheless, that's still one more point than the Browns have scored total in two home games. But, don't get too cocky, Scott Linehan. The Browns have been in the red zone. Pick: Ravens (-2.5)

Cowboys (-3) at Packers: Only degenerates will notice this little fun fact: there's only one home underdog this week...and it's the Packers. I know Aaron Rodgers has been tearing shit up like Lexington Steele on Levitra, but if Jon Kitna and the Detroit Buttass Patrol can score 25 on the Packers, I have a feeling T.O., Romo, and company are going to have some fun at Lambeau. Pick: Cowboys (-3)

Monday Night Football

Jets at Chargers (-9): 9 fucking points? A 1-1 team that hung with the Patriots and is QB'd by Brett Favre is a 9 point underdog to an 0-2 team? Shady, shady lady. And, it's on a Monday night...where degenerate gamblers go to "get healthy," but usually wind up "getting a second mortgage." I can see marks across the land teasing up the Panthers and the Jets this week...only to be gang-banged by Gus Frerotte and Phillip Rivers. I believe in the Jets in 2008, but this line screams Chargers' going Chase Daniel-on-Nevada-type-shit. Pick: Chargers (-9)

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