Hello everyone and welcome to the final farewell for a true Cardinal legend, Mark Mulder! We have a great lineup of special guests who’d like to say a few words before the big lefty leaves town…
Chris Duncan: Mulder, you cocksmoker. Remember that time at Hrabosky’s when you banged that fat chick in the parking lot? Oh fuck, that was me. Well, you’re an asspounder! Peace out brother!
Tyler Johnson: I fucked that fat chick too! Giggity giggity.
Albert Pujols: Hay mang. You no help to de Car’nals. I win World Seedies by myself. I wish we had Dangy Haren back.
Tony LaRussa: Meh, you were our ace for those four years. Nobody hit their spots more often than you Mark. We’ll truly miss your guts, determination, and talent that you brought to the clubhouse night after night.
Walt Jocketty: Thanks. Really, I mean that. No seriously, thanks a lot.
Brad Thompson: Dude, you taught me how to talk to girls, I owe you. Well, I haven’t talked to any girls yet, but one day I will and I’m going to be all cool and stuff - and I’ll have you to thank!
Chris Carpenter: It says here in step 37 of your training program to keep complaining of arm stiffness up to 12 months after you feel no pain in your arm? Are you sure that’s right?
Rick Ankiel: Remember when you and Edmonds had that long talk with me in the hot tub after the last game of ‘07? Well, it wasn’t so much talking, but you know…anyway since that day I’ve been wondering which Giambi brother is that tattooed on your lower back?
And now on to our media “experts.” Let’s begin with John Hadley, who looks like he’s been drinking since 7am…
John Hadley: Lemme tell you dis right now, Mark Mulman. The St. Louis baseball side says you need to throw some more balls in the bases and the Cincinnati Astros with the burrito sauce hot dog stand. BIG 550, K-R-T-ESSSS!
Kevin Slaten: YOU’RE A MORON MULDER! YOU’RE THE WORST PITCHER I’VE EVER SEEN WITH MY OWN TWO EYES IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE! YOU’RE A LIAR! YOU’RE A CRIMINAL! YOU SHOULD BE LOCKED UP FOR BURGLARY! I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY LET DOPES LIKE YOU COLLECT A PAYCHECK! IT’S JUST WRROONNNNGG!!!
NO I’M NOT DONE TALKING YET! I’M YELLING LOUDER THAN EVERYONE ELSE, SO THAT MAKES ME RIGHT AND YOU WRONG!!
Brian McKenna: I invented the following jokes, but fartjoke.com decided to steal them -What happened to the blind skunk? He fell in love with a fart! Ha Ha!
You're so poor, you had to fart in your pocket to make a scent.
What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public? A private tutor! Ah ha ha! So good.
I’ve got a million of these…hey how come you aren’t laughing?
And now for the ceremonial “put $1.5 million in a bag, give it to this jerk, and tell him to go away” moment:
(photo credit: Associated Press)
Enjoy retirement Mark. Thanks for the memories?
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