Are you still stuck on what to wear for Halloween? I’ve spent months doing research on the best costume ideas involving your favorite Cardinals.
While other guys are wasting countless dollars on Darth Vader or The Hulk costumes, most of these are friendly on your wallet, and will attract more skanks at the party than anyone else in attendance.
Unless the real Rick Ankiel is there. In that case, turn around and go somewhere else.
Here are my recommendations:
Keith Hernandez - All you need is a mustache. The ladies will follow. Actually that’s the rule of thumb for any mustache, but associating yourself with Keith Hernandez will get you the hottest tail in a 25-mile radius.
Chris Duncan - I’ve posted the Duncan humping-the-trophy picture about five weeks in a row, so I’ll knock it off at least for one week. A few tips: don’t shower or shave for a couple weeks, buy a case of Skoal, say “fuck” at least once every three words, and hump everything in sight. Everything. And for good measure, take home a plumper or two for the full experience.
Note: the real Chris Duncan will probably show up to your party for a couple cans of Colt .45.
Brad Thompson - You’ll have to have your little brother play the role of Brad Thompson. The key to this one is being able to lug around a cardboard short bus all night. There are many more jokes here, but moral of the story is that this is how you win the “Most Insensitive Costume” award (unless you want to go all-in with Josh Hancock, but even I’m not that big of a jerk; proceed with caution there).
Rick Croushore - This one is going back a ways, but it is easily the simplest and most underrated costume on the list. All you need to wear is a cut-off sleeve shirt, and a goatee is recommended. After that just walk around cursing at everyone and you’re good to go.
Dan McLaughlin - Go buy a cheerleader outfit (too easy of a cheap shot; though I will admit Danny Mac is getting better in his homerism). Also talk about Auto Tire, Hot Shots, Helitech, and his 700 other endorsed products.
Al Hrabosky (1979) - This Hrabosky entry takes a little more planning. For the 1979 version, you’ll need a lot of hair from your local wig shop (assuming you’re doing this on the fly and haven’t been able to grow your hair out for ten months). The Fu Manchu is mandatory, unless you decide to go for the full beard. Like Rick Croushore, feel free to pace around the room, cursing at everything in sight. Don’t worry about offending anyone, even your grandma will appreciate this because of the “nice young man” that Hrabosky will turn into.
Al Hrabosky (current) - Only a year or two ago, Hungo was sporting the Kenny Rogers Jackass look, but this year he went with a more clean-cut hairstyle, and grew out his beard late in the season. Whatever facial hair you go with is fine, but be sure to tell everyone about how much ass you kicked back in the glory days of 1979. Also make sure you find the guy dressed as McLaughlin so you can tell him you probably banged his mother three times a week from 1970-1977.
Jack Clark/Danny Cox (current) - Harrah’s has a huge buffet for you to wreck. Even better, on Friday nights they do the all you can eat filet mignon, so be sure to stock up on about seven of those and you’ll be on your way. If you’re not hardcore enough to add 150 pounds in the next two days, just go buy one of those inflatable sumo costumes.
So there you go. Have fun at your parties and be sure to hit on the slutty nurse or slutty pirate this weekend. They made the extra effort to be attention whores, the least you could do is pretend like you care about their blossoming career in marketing until the “boots that come with the costume” come off.
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