Let me get something out in the open first - I’m a big fan of Chris Duncan. More so the Skoal-chewing, trophy-humping, outfield-is-confusing lug than anything, but still - I’m a fan.
No telling what kind of shenanigans Chris Duncan will get into tonight, but let me share with you my fantasy Skanksgiving, written in a manner that I know best: the live blog.
November 26, 2008
11:37 am - Chris wakes up and turns on The Price is Right. He grabs some Jack in the Box tacos from the fridge and tells me “Breakfast is the most important fucking meal of the day. Weinberg told me that right before I sharted on his stethoscope.”
2:00 pm - Time to meet Tyler Johnson at Hrabosky’s to go over the gameplan.
2:01 - Johnson gets his first Jagerbomb out of the way and tells me that his “Pussy Meter is on GET SOME.”
3:15 - The boys finish reviewing the schematics and it’s time to go home and get ready.
3:32 - A quick stop to Wal-Mart. Duncan seriously spent $47 on Axe products, Jesus Christ.
4:10 - Chris checks the NSFW message board on insideSTL and asks me to give him a minute.
4:17 - I just found a secret closet that is full of red party cups. What a douche.
5:09 - Chris is back to laying on the couch. A buzzer goes off in one of the other rooms. Suddenly Duncan jumps up and asks very loudly if I knew what time it was. I looked at my watch and said “it’s 5:09 Chris.” He said, “No cockface! Technically it’s 4:69 in the afternoon! Get it: 4, 69. Fuckin’ hilarious.” Duncan proceeds to hump his recliner, telling me it’s my mom.
6:00 - Tony LaRussa calls Chris’ cell phone to check in. TLR asks Chris to behave himself tonight. Duncan promises he’ll “stay home and play with some fuckin’ cats” like his second father, Tony. He goes on to ask Tony if either of his daughters would be interested in giving him a pussy or two for his upcoming birthday. Very classy.
7:12 - After a 45 minute shower, Chris is finally getting ready. He reports that he’s putting on his skank-magnet jeans, lucky Ed Hardy shirt, and the Reactor Watch he was wearing when he banged a Hooters waitress who shall remain nameless (ie. He didn’t bother asking what her name was).
7:50 - Tyler Johnson walks in and shouts out “Tyler Johnson’s gonna get some babies tonight!” (Credit Josh and/or Pat from JSF for writing that brilliant line a couple years ago)
8:22 - We enter Hrabosky’s. A lot of people recognize the Cardinal duo. One girl walks up to Chris and asks how tall he is. His response: “12 inches.”
8:49 - Johnson just remembered that his collar wasn’t popped. Crucial mistake on Skanksgiving. There are a lot of popped collars to contend with out there; any loss of focus on a night like this could be the difference between taking home a solid 8, or a “Duncan Special” - two 4’s.
9:30 - During Lil’ Wayne’s “Lollipop,” Chris explains to the girl he’s dancing with that “He’s talking about his weiner. He wants you to lick his weiner!”
10:16 - In a real douchey moment, Johnson takes the DJ mic and tells the crowd “Just letting you ladies know my arm is doing fine after the surgery. But my third leg could use some attention! Meet me up in the VIP!” Amazingly about seven women follow. I’ll have to use that line at the office on Monday.
10:57 - These guys show no signs of slowing down. Duncan has slapped at least a dozen asses tonight.
11:40 - Uh oh. Chris wants to bail, he’s got a short red-head on his arm. I’d say she weighs only a buck sixty. I had 175 in the Duncan pool with my friends. Maybe next year.
11:55 - I think he burped in her mouth when making out on the way home.
12:13 am - I’ll leave those two alone for the rest of the night.
12:15 - Hold the phone, Chris is emerging from the bedroom, hoisting a championship belt.
12:19 - The girl is still in Duncan’s room. I hope she’s okay. Chris wanted some White Castle and left without me.
1:02 - Chris returns home with half a crave case, a bottle of Cuervo, and another chick! 190 pounds at least! This guy is unstoppable.
2:24 - Duncan walks out of his room and sees me passed out on the couch. He tells me to go home and “Have a happy Hanukkah, or whatever the fuck is going on tomorrow.”
2:25 - As I'm walking out the door, Chris asks me when my sister is coming back over. He explains how "coming" should be spelled in that sentence. He'll make a woman very happy some day.
See, that would be a great story. Or maybe this really happened - you don't know, do you?
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