Tony LaRussa was not a brilliant major league baseball player. His career batting average was .199 with exactly zero home runs and a paltry 7 runs batted in. In what could only be described as cruel irony, his brief dalliance with the top tier of professional baseball was de-railed by a shoulder injury playing a softball game 
amongst friends. Perhaps the pitcher was hitting 9th? We may never know. During this lengthy rehabilitation process, Mr. LaRussa discovered that his wild, flailing swing at an errant drop ball was not the cause for his shoulder capitulation; instead it was the weight of his enormous brain throwing his upper torso equilibrium out of whack. Law degrees, scholarly honors and the button-up world of complex litigation be dammed… Mr. LaRussa knew his calling was leading men. Men who wore tight pants and long socks and hit leather bound twine into perfectly manicured fields of grass. The rest is history…
2009 marks the 13th season the Italian Stallion helms the top nest for the Cardinals. Seeing as the Cardinals hate you and refuse to make any moves whatsoever this off-season to improve a fourth place club, us Cardinal scribes need cheap hooks to suck readers in. Hence the Golden LaMullets were born to celebrate the man, the myth, the mullet that is Anthony LaRussa. (Just in case you happen to have a dick, the Golden Globes were televised last night. Chances are after 7 hours of football you were forced to sit through these as retribution. If not? Well done, sir.)
Best Surreal Story that the Post-Dispatch Wouldn’t Touch: Tony LaRussa, to paraphrase Pac-Man Jones, ‘love-a-the-rock music’. So much so that last spring he traveled to Seattle to watch former Guns-N-Roses guitar player Duff McKagen and his then band Velvet Revolver play a concert and hang backstage. After the show he revealed that he wanted to coach the Mariners. (And we thought TLR took 70 something losses well, imagine 117!) Let me repeat that. Tony LaRussa told a pretty famous rock star that he asked about coaching the Mariners and the Mariners said “No Thanks, we’ll go with John McLeran.” (since fired) Maybe Tony was just being cordial. Maybe not. But if they didn’t at least burn a roach or something I’d be disappointed.
Sexiest Male in a Leading Role: Tony LaRussa is a sex symbol? Maybe you’re too worried about the bullpen to realize the Cardinals manager is actually a red-hot piece of man meat. Maybe meat isn’t the best word since PETA was the one who nominated his as the “Sexiest Vegetarian”, but whatever. One time when I worked downtown 3 fairly hot chicks got saran wrapped in a huge styrofoam tray and pretended to be meat cutlets in front of my office building. I thought it was he-larious watching this mess with a awesome club sandwich from Edible Difference 
in my fist, but the PETA body guard guy didn’t. Good thing I’m much more mature now.
Best Obvious Denial: And the winner is… Pete Wentz. You’re not fooling anyone pal.
Best Obvious Denial Runner Up: Tony LaRussa still thinks Big Mac didn’t ingest steroids, huh? I guess we can’t be positive, but the circumstantial evidence is pretty compelling. Well, at least to you and me. Not TLR. He’s out stumping for Big Mac getting into the Hall of Fame and taking another massive PR hit in the process…again. Most managers wouldn’t touch this story with a 20-foot pole, but Tony forges on. Good on him. I hope my friends are this convinced when I end up in jail.
Best Excuse for a DUI: Spring training made me drink that wine, ossiiofer… Caught behind the wheel of his very cool and very American Ford F-150 (Go Detroit!) sound asleep Palm Beach police had no choice but to cite Mr. LaRussa for driving under the influence (presumably very expensive) of vino. What full-blooded Italian doesn’t have a bottle or 5 with dinner? Back off fuzz! Not one want his numerous fans to question his work ethic the year after a World Championship, 
he insisted that sheer tiredness, not booze was the reason for his cat nap. Surprisingly, after seeing the product he had to work with in 2007 this alibi seems about 120% more plausible.
Best Use of a Championship Parade to Get People to Buy Anything: I hope you didn’t really buy a “Smooch Your Pooch” shirt, but you might have. I’m pretty sure that if you actually ever wore it out in public and your name wasn’t Tony LaRussa the cringing and gawking from the masses was more than enough punishment for the purchase. Besides, it was all for charity, right?
Best Sperm: Who knew?
Best Performance on Broadway: TLR took on the theater and he rocked its face off. Friends, I’ll be honest here. As I write this, I’m finding more and more odd stuff about Tony LaRussa. It’s more than a little ironic that he’s the Mad Hatter since I feel a little bit like I’ve tumbled down the rabbit hole. I think I’ll quit while I’m ahead.
But while you’re still here, you don’t happen to have a phone number for the LaRussa daughters do you. JK TLR, yose my dog.
Aaron Hooks writes every Monday for InsideSTL and regularly for CardsDiaspora.com