Valentine’s Day is three days away. I know some of you don’t want to think about buying something - at least not until Friday night - but others like to plan ahead (and yes, to the one or two ladies reading, three days is planning way ahead).

I decided to peruse the MLB Shop to see what kind of crap you could buy for that special lady in your life. Here are seven products I found that really show you care bought something:

7) Fold Down Step Hitch: $80 - Don’t act like you didn’t just blurt out “Dat ain’t a crappy gift!”

6) Chris Duncan Bobblehead: $19 - Technically it’s called a Big Head Bobblehead, but I couldn’t really tell a difference. Ever since your girl came back from that night at Hrabosky‘s smelling like the Axe aisle at Walgreens, there’s always been a sneaky suspicion about what happened and who she met that night. Oh, and why she didn’t come back home until 9:30am. Give her this and see if she maintains the poker face.

5) Scott Rolen Babydoll T-Shirt Jersey: $3 - Holy shit! What a deal!! Any normal guy will always check the clearance/outlet items when shopping. We wouldn’t want to miss a huge bargain like this. Half of the women out there won’t realize Scott Rolen’s not a Cardinal anymore (“he’s still on the DL, baby”), so you might be able to get away with this one. Or if you really don’t like her, this is a good $3 investment to show your lack of affection.

4) Two-pack of Shamrock Socks: $8 - You’re always thinking ahead, you sly dog. It would be pretty silly to give a woman St. Patrick’s Day socks on St. Patrick’s Day, right? Nobody gives gifts on March 17th unless it comes in a glass, bottle, can, keg, etc. So pick up these bad boys for V-Day because, let’s face it, Valentine’s Day pales in comparison to the awesomeness of St. Patrick’s Day. And to celebrate the arrival of those socks? Go drinking.

3) Jogging/Workout Shorts: $18 - “Uh no, honey…I didn’t say you needed to work out more…I, uh, just thought you’d like them. Look - Cardinal logo - I think you’ll look hot in them. No, you always look hot in whatever you wear. But hey, they’re short, comfortable, and you can just lay around the house in them. Uh, no, I know you don’t just lay around the house all day. I know you work hard. I know, I just thought…okay okay! I can return them if you don’t like them. What, you like them? Why didn’t you just say that?”

2) Satin (or Denim) Jacket: $30 each - Does your woman totally miss the Kelly Kapowski era? A satin or denim jacket is just what the doctor ordered. And why bother with the decision-making? $60, fuck, buy 'em both preppie.

1) Have Fredbird Hand-Deliver Flowers to Her on Friday: (price depends on high bid) - Boy, I wish that was a misprint. According to the Cardinals website, you can bid against other nutjob Cardinal fans to have Fredbird deliver flowers to someone…the day before Valentine’s Day. So not only is it corny to have Fredbird deliver flowers (for nearly $400), that means you’ll have to do something else on the actual Valentine’s Day. If you’re really considering this, hurry up, because bidding ends at 5pm Wednesday. If you win, please email me at 5:01pm so I can come over and punch you in the balls.

Luckily for me, I don’t have any decisions to make this year. But being the romance expert that I am (or pretend to be), hopefully this helped.

And if for some reason this plan fails, well, she was probably going to make you go see He’s Just Not That Into You eventually…

For more HMW, check out www.bertflex.blogspot.com