Last week I fulfilled my annual quota of NBA viewing by catching most of the three overtime periods in the Bulls/Celtics playoff classic. A number of things stood out from the broadcast; it’s evident that each team is given no less than 11 timeouts during each period, Joakim Noah probably smells no better than a highway rest station and the NBA has consciously chosen to not play any music created since the early to mid nineties.
 

And it’s hard to blame them.
 

After all, the introduction of ‘Jock Jams’ (years later a multi disc set would be debuted and naturally, collected) stems from this era and provides a perfect soundtrack to an untold amount of social settings. Whether it's a spirited tailgate, a meat head’s wedding or even a sales seminar; the Jock Jam musical staples are fail-proof in providing the right ambiance to get the audience in a fever pitch. Just like they had done in a middle school dance when we were afraid of the opposite sex.
 

And while these songs hold a firm place in the way music is remembered in the years leading up to the millennium, it seems to me that many of their catchy titles and refrains have gone unused in the arsenal of many of today’s top baseball broadcasters.
 

Home run calls like the Yankees’ Michael Kay (See Ya!), the Rangers’ Eric Nadel (And that ball is history!) and the Brewers’ Bob Uecker (Get up, get outta here, gone!) are all fine and good, but are, by no means, trend-setting. Nor do they offer any sort of ‘tip of the cap’ to the aforementioned era of truly great one hit wonder rap melodies.
 

I by no means intend on tarnishing these perfected calls, but rather question their progressiveness. Wouldn’t it be nice if we got to hear our own John Rooney or Mike Shannon sprinkle in some urban lyrics into the broadcast?
 

Here’s a test run. Remember to read these in your nerdiest ‘white guy voice’ to enhance accuracy and ridiculousness.
 
Rooney: ‘Pujols drives one to left, to the track at the wall…and Whoomp There it Is!’

Shannon: ‘Boy he really smoked that one John…(four to five seconds of Shannon laughter) Slam dunk it, dip it, flip it and rise that b double-o t why o my!

Rooney: ‘Exactly. I believe that’s why these fans call El Hombre, ‘The Bomb.’
Shannon: (endless Shannon laughter)….’WoooWeeeeee!’
 
 
Shannon: ‘Swing and a long one! Did he get enough? Did he get enough? Get up baby! Get Up…and Boom Boom Boom Let Me Hear ya Say Way Oh!’
Rooney (on cue): ‘Way Oh!’
 
 
Rooney: ‘Ludwick corks one down the line and it’s a goner! Pump Up the Jam, Mike!’

Shannon: While your feet are stompin, and the jam is pumpin, look at here the crowd is jumpin!

Rooney: ‘You got that right, Mike!’

Shannon: ‘I don’t want a place to stay, get your body on the floor tonight! Make my day!’

(awkward silence)
 
Additionally, this poetic genius can be dropped during the broadcast at any time, not just saved for epic home run exclamations.
 

An at bat, for example:
‘In steps up Yadier Molina. Here Comes the Hotstepper, Cardinal fans.’
 
A pitching change:
‘Looks like he’s going with the balk-proned lefty. Just a reminder to our listeners, When He Dips, You Dip, We Dip!’
 
During a rally:
‘Back to back singles will bring up Mr. Ankiel. C’mon Ride the Train Ricky (and Ride It!)
 
An infield single:
‘Schumaker is safe at the bag as LaRussa looks on in approval and says ‘I like to move it, move it, you like to…move it!’
 

And of course amidst any late inning beer-laced Shannonisms’
 
‘I’m kinda buzzed and it’s all because this is how we do it!’
 
Again, these are just suggestions. ‘It’s a Goner!’ and ‘Get Up Baby!’ are familiar and beloved by the far majority of Cardinal fans. Yes, it’s reasonable to believe that one in-game reference of ‘Do The Ditty if You Want To, cause There I can see if you Want to’ would lead to public outcry, but couldn’t it also help extend our fan base to (ahem) ‘other’ demographics.
 
Ah, what do I know? I’m just a squirrel trying to find a nut to move your butt.
 
To the broadcasters, let it be known; The Music is My Life!
 
Everybody Dance Now!
 
 

After years of searching, J Carnage has found that groove is indeed, in the heart. JCarnage24@yahoo.com