The Jonas Brothers Awards

Welcome to the first annual Jonas Brothers Award Banquet for the St. Louis Cardinals! Why the Jonas Brothers? Well, they aren’t scoring either!

Hi-Yoooooo!

Before we introduce tonight’s host, I wanted to thank our sponsor- the NBC hit reality show “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Outta Here!”. Have you guys been watching this? It features the power duo Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from ‘The Hills’ and those two got me thinking- the jungle gave us yellow fever and malaria. We gave the jungle Speidi. I’d call that about even. 

Now without further adieu, your host for the Jonas Brothers Awards A.C. Green… A.C. know a thing or two about not scoring, after all he didn’t have sex until the age of 38!

Mr. Green- let’s get this party started.

Thanks everybody, so happy to be here at the Jonas Brothers awards. For almost 4 decades I was shut out of the poonanny. But I guess the only difference between me and the Cardinals is... they want to score!  

Before we get to the awards, I’d like to acknowledge, Mr. Anthony Mendoza and the Larry Bigbe All-Star band down there in the pit for scoring this inaugural effort.

We’ve waited long enough- now to the first award.

First up, the Uncle Charlie award for futile cuts at a breaking ball. The envelope please… It’s Rick Ankiel.

Rick couldn’t be here tonight. But we’ll accept the award on behalf of your mother. 

Now the JD Drew Memorial “When He Gets Off the DL… Just Wait!” award. The winner is… Ryan Ludwick.

Boy, it sure will be nice when he gets off the DL. Wait, what?

Moving on. The Dead Zone award, a very special award, since it’s chosen by your peers, goes this year to… Brian Barden and Joe Thurston.

A tie! I guess your guys’ teammates couldn’t decide which of you was least productive- so they voted for both of you… can you feel the love.

Now the Timberfake Playbaby award honoring terrible ideas in scoring... Kahlil Greene.

Trust Timeberfake, anti-depression medications do not help your chances of being the #1 Rock n Roll sex god. Or hitting the ball out of the infield for that matter. Stay classy Timberfake! Oh, and see if you can't wrangle up Mr. Greene a slump buster.

Finally, the Little Papi award for overall excellence in not scoring goes to... Chris "DipCan" Duncan

Thanks to all our participants. Next week, let's see if we can't get a little momentum behind the effort to save the rain forest and having the Cardinals go to bat without a bat. Seriously, whats even the point anymore? At least trees won't die for a couple of foul balls, right?

Aaron Hooks is an editor at Baseball Digest and Cards Diaspora. You can read his articles every Thursday on InsideSTL. Follow the Cardinals season via Twitter.