Chris Russell posted on September 06, 2009 00:00
With the Cardinals on cruise control and the division all but wrapped up, I’ve decided to step away from the current season and examine one of the lighter sides of our national pastime. There will be plenty to discuss as the postseason draws near, but in the meantime enjoy a look into a noticeable, but seldom referenced, pocket of the baseball community.
It’s an unfortunate realization, but life is full of ugliness. Not to say that there isn’t beauty in the world, but what beauty does exit is countered with equal parts ugly. But we as emotional humans need ugliness, for without the comparison how would we know what to consider beautiful? Even the world’s most attractive people have dealt with their fair share of ugliness. Women constantly complain of bad hair days, everyone has experienced the surprise renegade zit on picture day and we all know that couple that forces you to come over and goo-goo-ga-ga all over their hideously ugly baby. And what guy hasn’t woken up next to a one-night stand that looks decidedly different the next morning? So much in fact that you would rather chew your arm off than risk waking her up. However, ugliness is not restricted to just “regular” people. It runs rampant in Major League Baseball as well. Some of the finest athletes to ever play the sport are also some of the most unappealing people on the planet. So without further ado, here’s a short list of some of baseball’s ugliest men.
Randy Johnson
The beady-eyed opossum that you trapped in your woodshed and didn’t feel bad about beating with a rake is 10 times more attractive than Randy Johnson. He’s already gangly and awkward because he’s 11 feet tall, and instead of trying to counter those negative features, he instead compliments them with a disgusting 
rat’s nest of greasy hair down to his shoulders and a smarmy turd burglar moustache. Add his gargantuan booger horn, beady rodent eyes and world swallowing mouth and you have one of the most repulsive men ever. Oh, and he may be the best left-handed pitcher alive.
Ugliness Rating: 9.5
Willie McGee
One of the most humble and likeable players to ever step on the diamond, and also one of the strangest looking humans on Earth. Willie was affectionately dubbed E.T. McGee by St. Louis Cardinal fans, due to his striking similarity to a gangly, little bug-eyed alien. Known to Cardinal fans as a hero, All Star, MVP, batting champ and Gold Glover he also boasts skin made of silly putty, giant wing-like ears, a twisted scowling smile, an 18 inch neck and the world’s largest Adam’s apple. God love you Willie… but he cursed you as well.
Ugliness Rating: 9.25
John Kruk
Due to his recent success as a commentator on Baseball Tonight, Kruk is one of the most recognizable faces in the game. He was also one of the fattest and ugliest men to play it. The Philly fan favorite and three-time All Star has a laundry list of great baseball accomplishments, 
but his most notable achievement was perfecting the coiffe-mullet that courageously displays a hulkish bravado and unassuming sense of backwoods allure that only a bloated white trash walrus like Kruk could pull off. Also, I’ve seen pugs with faces less smashed. Woof.
Ugliness Rating: 9.25
Ezequiel Astacio
Oh my god. This man is a goblin. His career 6.02 ERA is unattractive to the Houston Astros organization, but is nothing compared to what fans must experience every time the camera zooms in on his mutant, boil-ridden mug. Ezequiel is not one of the most talented members of this elite club, but the sheer horror children must feel when opening a pack of baseball cards and seeing his face peering out behind a stale piece of bubblegum is enough to get him on the list. Possible casting calls for a new Wes Craven movie may be in his future.
Ugliness Rating: 9.75
Otis Nixon
My favorite crackhead of all time might be the ugliest person on this list. Seen here in his famous mug shot, Otis shows off his mangy repugnance and his striking resemblance to a charbroiled Gollum from Lords of the Rings. Nixon was famous for being fast, old, ugly and on drugs, but his aversion to the eye reigns supreme. After 
17 years of Major League service he’ll be remembered for his drug addiction, hideous face and withered skeletal frame. It’s sad. Fitting, but sad.
Ugliness Rating: 10.0
Bud Selig
Selig is a different animal altogether. He makes this list for 3 reasons. 1) He is a crotchety, bitter old man, and old men are by nature saggy and ugly and creepy. He happens to be uglier than most. 2) He’s ugly on the inside. While at baseball’s helm he’s made a rash of horrible decisions that have damaged the game, perhaps unalterably, turned a blind eye to the steroid issues and just doesn’t seemed to give a damn beyond his own ego. 3) I saw him eating a hot dog at a Brewers game a few years ago and was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. I just threw up in my mouth a little thinking about it.
Ugliness Rating: 9.5
Due to image constraints, all of the hideous men could not be pictured, but feel free to Google them and view them in all their freakish glory.