The St. Louis Cardinals and Los Angeles Dodgers have played a combined 226 seasons of professional baseball. They have won 16 World Series, 38 NL pennants, and almost 20,000 games. Over 100 players and managers that have worn either uniform are enshrined in the Hall of Fame. Both franchises are widely considered the crown jewels of the National League...
And as of right now, none of it means dick.
Let's do a live blog and celebrate the Playoffs return to St. Louis after a 2 year absence. Yeaaaaaahhhh playoffs! Remember that everything typed here was live and in the moment...
08:30- Philly dismantled Colorado with a dominant performance from Cliff Lee. The Yankees played coy with the Twins before smacking them down. That can mean only one thing... this one is going to ulcer inducing. Damn you Baseball Gods! Damn you!!
08:37- First pitch Wolf to Shumaker. And we're underway.
08:53- Walk, ground rule double, intentional walk? Holy shit, the bases are loaded for Matt Holliday. He's so going to make like 10 million dollars right here! Or not swing at a single pitch. @Fungoes points out that Carlos Beltran didn't rape the Mets for 119M by leaving the bat on his shoulder. Boras does not look happy. Good thing we have Ludwick to bloop a pop fly in for an RBI and Yadier Molina to ground into a double play. 1 run there could be haunting. 1-0 Cardinals
On a completely random note, the debate at the house rages on. Does Ludwick really look like Gonzo or not?
08:58- Not taking advantage of bases loaded, no out leads to Matt Kemp blasting a long home run to center to give the Dodgers the lead 2-1. Several singles later, Carp ends the inning @ 9:05. At this pace this game will be over around 6 am. Good feelings are not abounding about this game...
09:12- DeRosa and Loney look like 2 monkeys fucking a football at first. Awkward turtle.
09:19- @CardsChic provides this pre-game shot of Ryan's 'stache. I believe that is wax on that face broom. Nice.
09:29- What are the odds that Holliday gets a... too late. He's already got a single. Jebus. But 2 more rips that Dodgers track down send us to the bottom of the 3rd still down 2-1.
09:49- 3-1 Dodgers on a single(?) to DeRosa. Who then proceeds to throw the ball to Chula Vista. Christ this game is turning me into Chris Berman, who happnes to have big fan... Producer Joe. It's True! Check out this. The throw was so poor, the runners couldn't 
advance since it was like a routine pop fly to Ludwick. Carp then walks the bases loaded before ending the inning on a pop fly.
10:04- Jared! A double scores Rasmus and the lead is down to 1. 3-2 Dodgers.
10:06- Torre may not let Albert see a pitch this series.
10:16- First technical difficulties lead to maybe the most uncomfortable foul ball ever and then I had a dream that Jeff Weaver was pitching for the Dodgers. Holy Fuck... Jeff Weaver!
10:26- Is Carp pitching this bad or is TBS just making it look that way with their camera work and other tech issues. My God, Turner, you're giving us heart attacks. Also, MonkeyGrams. Those things where you typed in words and it spit it back out through an animated monkey? Who made that? Does anyone still have a link to that?
10:33- Fuck Lopez.
10:45- "Fuck it. This games over. I'm going to masturbate." - The Waterboy decides to get some release in lieu of watching Yadi botch an easy out at third.
10:52- Dodgers lead 4-2. Smattering of quotes after the Furcal sac fly? "10 years of darkness is about to descend on the Cardinals." | "Carp is a 0.0." | "DeRosa is a Cub and has brought his Cub stank with him to St. Louis." | "I'd rather watch 7 or 8 episodes of Ghost Whisperer than this" | "This is the worst Cardinals playoff team in history." | "Casey Blake looks like a pedophile."
11:03- Albert Pujols hasn't hit a home run in almost a month. He grounds out to short to end a feeble 6th inning. What's the deal? Is he burnt out? Did this team peak too early? The Cardinals look like paper lions.
11:18- We have an official abortion.
11:30- Usually I'm not the one bitching about the length of games. But we're just starting the 7th inning after 3 hours? No reason for this. None.
11:40- The Big German can save the season! 2 people in the room have bet their lives he strikes out. 2 people will live.
11:58- "Men of a Certain Age" looks like the worst show in the history of entertainment. I hate the concept. I hate the actors. I hate everything about it. I barely could get anything done today (that took for-ever to get to 8:30) I was so excited about this game. Now, 3:30 later, I hate everything. Fucking losers.
12:13- Pujols looks like shit. Something is wrong or he's gassed. But whatever it is... it doesn't bode well for this tanking team.
12:28- Dick Stockton "They are waving the white towels again." Yes, Dick, they are. They certainly are.
12:30- Dick Ankiel? No way. Too good to be true. My favorite all time Cardinal. Dear almighty father, I've been a good son. I've done my good deeds. Please grant me this.
12:32- Fuck this.
Aaron Hooks is managing editor of CardsDiaspora.com, a Featured Columnist at BleacherReport.com and writes every Thursday for InsideSTL. Follow him at Twitter.