I’m a fantasy sports dork. Let’s get that out in the open.

I have a football draft tonight (no that's not me in the pic - I kind of wish it was though), and I’m horribly unprepared. Why? A couple things: 1) my baseball teams are all still in first, or at least contention, and 2) the damn Cardinals are still in the playoff hunt. Not to brag, but I expected the first part. I think I have found my calling in life, and unfortunately for women everywhere, it’s fantasy baseball. So, to me, a lot of fantasy baseball research is still necessary for the last month and a half. But because the Cardinals are still hanging around the Wild Card race, it has really cut into my football research time, and I’m not able to get into the football mood - at all.

Sadly, I don’t care that the Rams start the season in a couple weeks. And that’s saying a lot given how much I followed the team in the pre-Linehan era. It’s partially the Rams’ fault for being terrible, but the NFL in general isn’t exciting to me yet. Come on, what other football storylines should interest me? I hate the Patriots. I hate Brett Favre. I hate the fact that ESPN carries Monday Night Football. I would guess that 80-90% of my interest in football the past couple years has been fantasy-related.

By now, I’m usually ready to go; bring on the NFL! This year I prepared my internal clock to flip on the football switch in early August, since I assumed the Cardinals would be about 20 games back of the Brewers or Cubs. And here we are, every game is pretty big, so I try to watch as often as I can, ignoring the fact that the Cardinals have probably been teasing me all along.

So with the draft tonight, the only thing on my mind is Bert being Bert, Ryan Ludwick raking, and Braden Looper giving a strong 6 or 7 innings so Chris Perez can come in and throw some heat.

I know LT, Peterson, Westbrook, Brady, and Addai would be my top five. After that, uhhh…

And is this the year to scrap the “draft two RB’s in the first two rounds” theory? A lot of QB’s and wideouts put up big numbers last year, so what do I do (other than “wait and see how the draft goes“)?

A novice fantasy player would tell me to go out and buy a two-month-old draft guide for $8 and I’ll be ready to go. Sorry kid, but I gots to say the nay-no. This isn’t some punk-ass church picnic league - I’m up against some savvy bastards, with my f’n money on the line. I can only hope for one thing, and I’ll partially quote a local philosopher. As Dirt Cheap Fred would say: the drunker they get, the better my team will look.

So to help myself a little, and to cram for the draft, what does any hardcore fantasy dork do? Take a half day from work (I feel a cough coming on…now). That’s how I roll. Take notes.

For more HMW and his sad life, check out www.bertflex.com