Ryan Braun is the ultimate tool. This guy can crush baseballs like nobody’s business, but he has got to be the cockiest little shit I’ve ever seen. Everything he does pisses me off. I hate that he committed 26 errors last year and won Rookie of the Year over a more deserving Troy Tulowitzki. I hate how he admires his dingers and crosses home plate a half-hour later. I hate that he gets more chicks than me. I hate his smug face, gay trot and even the way that punk walks. I hate Ryan Braun. What a tool.

Prince Fielder is by far the biggest tool. Apparently you can sustain yourself on a steady diet of doughnuts because he has got to be the fattest vegetarian in the world. I hate that he doesn’t eat meat because meat is delicious and you know that he knows that. I hate that he fights his own teammates in the dugout. I hate that when he does fight in the dugout that he fights a pitcher that is smaller than one of his snacks. I hate Prince Fielder. What a tool.

Bill Hall is the most annoying tool. I hate that I think my TV is stuck on pause every time he hits a demoralizing homerun off one of our relievers. I hate that a guy hitting .227 turns into a statue when he connects on one of those lucky hacks.  I hate that 20 percent of his lucky hacks have come against Cardinals pitching.  I hate his stutter step around second base. I hate Bill Hall. What a tool.

I hate that the Brewers perform an amateur strip tease after every victory.  I hate Charlie Villanueva.   I hate Corey Hart’s beard. I hate J.J. Hardy’s initials. I hate that Bob Ueker looks better in a tiny swimsuit than me. I hate that they took Soup from us.  I hate that they win without fundamentals.  I hate that just when I’m getting fired up, we don’t play them again. I hate that they act tough and cool when they haven’t won shit in the history of their pathetic franchise. I hate that I’ve had to use the word “hate” so much.  I hate Bernie Brewer and his whole family. I hate the Brewers. What a complete set of tools.

As Nic Ritchie from the Dirty.com would say; Sausage Races are for the gays. I decided.

Extra Innings:

I agree with McKernan that Ankiel doesn’t look good at the plate. He can’t catch up to or lay off the high cheese. Play someone that can.

Wainwright is looking good, great trade by the Cardinals.

What if the birds would have had Chris Perez closing games three months ago?

I love the Tigers. I absolutely cannot wait to watch Will Mo fly around and crush some orange on Saturday. Note to Illinois fans: The Mizzou D will be a little different that the one you saw last year.

If you don’t think Miller Park is a glorified tool box you can email me at slippery11pete@yahoo.com