I played a round of golf recently completely alcohol-free for the first time in years and it was strange. My brain was not used to being on a golf course without booze in my system or in a cooler ready to be consumed. This strange feeling of displacement probably would be similar to a Tour player drinking booze over 18 holes. Therefore, in the spirit of the Skins Game, the “Battle at Bighorn” and the celebrity-laden “Golf Digest US Open Challenge”, I propose a new made-for-TV event that’s sure to create a buzz.

We’re going to stage the first ever “Booze Challenge,” an event based on the premise that most of the golfing public has/had imbibed on the course and would be curious to see how the game’s best fair at drinking decent amounts of booze while playing a game they have mastered.

A made for HBO special, the Booze Challenge will consist of 4 PGA touring members and, due to the fact that winners on the LPGA Tour are routinely sprayed with Bud Light as a form of victory celebration, 4 LPGA touring pros. It will be difficult, I believe, to recruit 3 PGA members (I say 3 because John Daly would pay me to be in this event), but I don’t think it will be difficult to get 4 ladies. In fact, because LPGA golfers desire publicity any way they can find it, I believe we can get Natalie Gulbis, Paula Creamer, Suzanne Pettersen and Laura Davies to participate. (Davies is invited because it will be fun to watch a woman (?) down 10 beers over 18 holes)

As for the other 3 golfers, I believe we can get Ian Woosnam (That midget can drink, trust me), Rocco Mediate (TV likes to show his friends in the gallery carousing so Rocco has to let loose some times also, correct?), the aforementioned Daly, and for your fourth, we must have Woody Austin because he’s crazy.

The rules are simple. There will be two foursomes consisting of two dudes and two ladies so we’ll toss balls on the first tee to see who is teamed with whom. Before the first tee, there is a required weigh-in. Once weighed, each player will divide their weight by 20, and that quotient, rounded up, will be the amount of beers that each player has to drink before putting on the 18th green. Therefore, Natalie Gulbis, who probably weighs 120, has to drink 6 of her favorite beers before putting on the 18th green. John Daly, who weighs 280, has to drink 14 beers during the round, which should be no problem for him.

But the boozing doesn’t stop there. Any 3-putt is a required shotgun and any double bogey is a shotgun also. These shot-gunned beers only count as ½ of a beer to one’s quota due to all the excess beer wasted during this precious form of drinking. Also, the proper technique as demonstrated by John Cusack while teaching an innocent Daphne Zuniga in “The Sure Thing” must be followed to a tee. If a 3-putt leads to a double bogey, there is no double jeopardy; one shot-gunned beer will suffice. There will be no cheating during the inaugural Booze Challenge. The first beer counted to quota can’t be drunk until after the first drive has been hit.

The scoring will be low 3 total for each foursome. This scoring system will allow a Paula Creamer or Woody Austin to smoothly puke in the woods during the latter holes and not slow play down as the other 3 in each group will try to pick up the slack. We will have high-end Johnny on the Spots (is that an oxymoron?) placed on the 4th hole on as the precious “seals” are being broken. Required designated drivers in the parking will be ready to transport our wasted golfers.

After play is over we’ll crown a foursome as our inaugural Booze Challenge winners. There won’t be any dinners or champagne to the victors. Instead, each winner gets a bottle of Advil and a drive to the nearest White Castle. As for the golf course we’ll utilize for this grand event…after much debating, Grand Marais Golf Course on the East Side gets the nod, I don’t know why.