Hush the Critics

Like any practiced party pooper, no one likes a critic.

There you are, trucking along in your divine magnificence and giving it everything short of your first born son when BAM! Some faultfinder ruins any prospective fruition and extinguishes the fire right out from under your ass. You throw your hands in the air and bailout faster than Favre can announce and withdraw another retirement.

And as is the American Way, you can ultimately trace the collapsed vein of your failure right back to the main blocked artery: that nit-picking critic. Why, if it wasn’t for them.....

For instance, how your kindergarten teacher expressed that your picture of Granny is “imaginative” but try “staying in the lines” next time. And even though Granny’s head resembled a Doppler shot of Hurricane Bill, you were crestfallen nonetheless and swore off all hopes of a career in art. Thank you very much Ms. Lippy.

I’ll bet the Steelers offensive line wasn’t all that high spirited after their efforts against the Titans were ridiculed. And even though they should be basking in their victory, I’ll bet the coach’s smack on the ass in the locker room was nice and solid. Thank you very much Tomlin.

And somewhere, there’s a Myspace Model that is re-evaluating her whole life because someone said she looked like the love child of Fabio on a bad hair day and Hulk Hogan circa 1985 and had thighs like a bowl of Cheerios. Any prospects of modeling professionally flew right out the door even though mommy told her she was beautiful. Thank you very much myspace.com/Mons-TR-Ciock.

Obama was stumped at a televised conventional political event (and it wasn’t a glitch in the Teleprompter) when a Republican representative from South Carolina heckled the President’s address on Health Care, essentially calling the Commander in Chief a liar. This put a small puncture in the Obama media lovefest balloon and the loud mouth’s career is pretty much cashed. Something also tells me they won’t be tipping back beers together anytime soon Thank you very much Republican Party.

After returning to my brown roots from a 7 year stint as a bombshell, Brooke Hogan shade of blonde, I endured a feeding frenzy from my lovely male co-workers. And yes, the age old dictum reigns true, gentleman DO prefer blondes. Thank you very much Marilyn.
 

And how about the female motorist, inconvenienced by a fallen soldier’s funeral procession, who decided to criticized the way the JeffCo Sheriff’s Department allowed this to happen during rush hour. Now, picking on the police is nothing new folks but this bitch has no soul. Thank you very much Satan.

And the sharpshooters of the Ladies section....well.....where would we be without the critics?

Even though you hated Ms. Lippy for her comments on your rudimentary illustration of Granny, you still pride yourself on your mindless doodles of trees and sunflowers. And despite Coach Tomlin’s spanking, the Steelers will adjust that offensive line and continue playing football. That Myspace model will find a more flattering pose and opt for pants instead of a skirt. President Obama will keep lying, I mean, pushing Healthcare Reform and this time, he will choose a more approachable crowd. I’m sticking to my roots although maybe I’ll lighten up a bit to please the boys. And for all I care, the Jeffco Sheriff’s department should have towed that lady’s car.

The moral of the story? Simon Cowell, Neil Young, Joe Buck, your mother, Tyra Banks, your left winged brother, Rush Limbaugh, Siskel and Roeper, Pontius Pilot, Alan Richman all dealt out the punches. Some are self serving, lack civility (ahem Mons-TR-Ciock) and leave a massive wreckage in the wake of their disapprovals but don’t be so quick to dismiss the critics.

Who knows. It may change you for the better.

And isn’t that what we are all about nowadays?