For those of you who don't keep up with my website, I recently published my long awaited "Ten Commandments of Unetiquette".  It wasn't very hard to choose the most important 10 out of the list of 14 that I came up with, and whilst writing them I couldn't help but wonder what God was thinking about when he had to pick HIS top ten rules.  How did he choose only ten out of a plethora of sins and good deeds to be mentioned?

First off, the guy wasted the first two commandments on himself.  Actually, the first four.  The first and second of the Christian commandments talk about having no other gods or idols before Him, and the next 2 are about His name and worshiping Him.  Ugh...even I'M not that conceited!  And basically the rest of them instruct us not to commit the worst of sins.  You know...lying, cheating, murder, etc.

Well, I'm not a Christian.  (big shocker, eh?)  Twelve years in a Lutheran school gave me plenty of information in order to make an informed decision about my religious beliefs...and all I will ever say in this column about religion is that I am spiritual but preoccupied, and that you should believe whatever you feel is right.  Beyond that it matters not - in the dealings of unetiquette - what your spiritual beliefs are.  And that's the last you'll ever hear about that subject from me.

The point is; everyone reading this right now understands the difference between right and wrong, so in MY list I had no reason to drone on about all the things you shouldn't be doing.  I thought about only these 3 things; love, freedom, and happiness.  That's it.  Those 3 things are the foundation of unetiquette, because they are the most important things in life.  Those may seem innately selfish, but if you desire all three for yourself and everyone around you then nothing but good things will come of it. 

...I also thought about ROCK and FUCKING ROLL!  Which brings us to the first of our NEW commandments:

1. Honor the Holy Trinity of Unetiquette:  Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll

I firmly believe, and futhermore submit to fact, that EVERYONE can benefit from either more drugs...more sex...or more rock & roll.

Okay, I already know what you're thinking...and I'm going to tell you that you're taking this too literally.  Drugs doesn't mean 'crack fiend', Sex doesn't translate into 'skank it up', and Rock & Roll is not defined strictly by 80's hair bands.  I'm not encouraging an astronomical spiral of self-destruction that is all-too-often associated with these 3 things, but unless your Courtney Love I'd bet money on the fact that one of them is lacking in your life.

All sorts of things act as a drug for different people.  It could be illegal...it could be prescription...it could be booze, or food, or fitness.  Just find your drug, and indulge in it.  For example, mine's Jack Daniel's and I've never been in a better relationship in my life!

Sex is simple.  I think people should have lots of it, be creative with it, and (aside from pedophiles and cheaters) never be ashamed of it.  Especially in monogamous relationships.  Like I said, I'm not implying that you should sleep with a million people...unless of course you want to.  Go ahead, unetiquette doesn't care!  We like sluts.

Rock & Roll?  Well... Even though I prefer the classics myself, people rock out to different shit and I'm not here to knock your musical tastes. (even though I want to)  Just make sure you broaden your musical horizons whenever possible, and when you play it...play it LOUD.  There is no other way.  I know that sounds cheesy...but you can't tell me that Zeppelin sounds better at 60 decibels than it does at 120.  I've been blaring "When the Levee Breaks" on loop this entire time.  It's my inspiration.

In summary:  Honor the Commandments of Unetiquette, and all else will follow!  Stay tuned for the rest of them in the following weeks.

I've said enough...I'm headed to DeCarlo's to worship part of the trinity just in time for ladies night.

(get more "un" at www.EtiquetteUncyclopedia.com)

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