Last year, David and I went to Mexico on our honeymoon. We took a bus trip to a nearby village where along with several things I would like to forget, I saw goats fucking in the marketplace.

This Saturday night was a little bit weirder than that.

Oh, it started innocently enough. We had dinner at Aunt Catfish, and I am telling you guys; if you ever visit the Daytona Beach area, you gotta eat here at least once. I had the devilled crab and shrimp platter again, and I gotta tell you, there is not much I would not do for such a feast. Nick had a date this night, so David and I were able to make it in time for happy hour. I loaded up on margaritas; which they serve in a fucking peanut butter jar. Yeah, I know this seems like a highly cultured place, but I always seem to feel at home amongst Cousin Jane, and Cousin Donna. Honestly, I don’t think these girls are actually related to Aunt Catfish…I mean, it would be a helluva coincidence.

After dinner, we went to the sports bar, and drank beer until prolly 10:30 or so. It was during this period of diminished faculties and questionable judgment that David began to talk…and oh, did he talk.

Throughout this first exchange, your reading comprehension and overall level of enjoyment will likely be optimally enhanced, if you interpret David’s remarks as those of the drunken guy at the bar who wants to buy everyone drinks one minute, and fight everyone the next.

You can just imagine my remarks as those of a self-righteous bitch, who you know is gonna fuck you later, but is gonna make you mad enough along the way, that you never want to see her again. Those of you who read this column regularly prolly do that anyway.

David: So, have you been thinking about Nick’s dick, since you have seen it now?

Me: I think about his penis sometimes, not so much. I am not as interested as you might think.

David: Come on, Maggie…you asked me how big it was dozens of times. You know you wanted to see it, you even asked him to show it to you.

Me: Yeah, I was curious about it, and now I have seen it…mystery solved.

David: I want you to fuck him. I want to watch you fuck him.

Me: That is not gonna happen; we have been over this all before, Lucy. You would not be able to handle it, oh, I know you would prolly enjoy it while it was happening; however, the aftermath would be disastrous. You would think less of me, and your friendship with Nick would be damaged, likely beyond repair. Besides, I kinda like Nick, and as good as I would look on him, I wanna be his friend.

David: Yeah, I was thinking about all that, and I think I have figured out a way it would work.

Now, for a split second here, I was intrigued. Had David really concocted some ingenious plan; which would allow me to have sex with Nick, and not completely fuck up the dynamics of the relationship the three of us currently enjoy? My mind flipped to me fucking Nick on Wednesday and Thursday nights, while David was out of town. I imagined myself lying against Nick’s smooth, defined chest after a stellar session of mutually satisfying, obligation free sex. I pictured the two of them alternately or simultaneously pleasuring me while I masterfully performed various sex acts, resulting in orgasms for all of us.

And then I remembered it was David who had a plan. The last time David had a foolproof plan about something, he lost $700 playing blackjack in Las Vegas. Snap back to reality…

I braced myself for the worst idea since Windows Vista, and nodded my approval for David to enlighten me with his mental masterpiece.

David: So, I have been thinking that you could kinda seduce Nick, and I could hide in our closet, and watch through the louvers. That way, he would not know that I was letting my wife have sex with another guy; you would get to fuck him, and I would get to watch.

I stared at David for a few seconds, wondering how his tiny brain actually made it through four years of college, without exploding every time he tried to find a class, or sharpen a pencil.

“That is brilliant, David” I replied with veiled sarcasm. “Nick gets to live a lie, and a guilt-filled life, and I get to be a big ol’ slut in his eyes…and for what? So you can sit in a closet and jack off? As much as I would like to fuck Nick every day, I am not gonna destroy the friendship that we all have, to do so. I have told you several times that I could do it…I could fuck Nick and not get emotionally attached. I could regard it as a sex act, and expect nothing more from it. On the other hand, you and Nick could not.

Further, I doubted my lack of a gag-reflex, and my liberal policy on anal sex would be ample temptation to convince Nick to betray David.

I knew David was just trying to add some spark to our sex life, and I knew he meant well. I am just so tired of hearing about it. I prolly should have left out the part about him jacking off in the closet, but alcohol has an effect on me that does not always allow rational thought to preface my remarks.

I went on to tell David that if he was truly interested in watching me have sex with another guy, it should not be Nick. If you are keeping score, put another mark next to “stupid shit Maggie said tonight”.

“Oh, and did you have someone else in mind for this duty?” David asked, with an accusing tone.

Now the truth is, for the privilege of having gratuitous sex with me while David watched, almost anyone would be a better candidate than Nick. David just does not understand the emotional aspect of his proposal. Moreover, if I had answered David’s question in a vague and generic manner, this article would have been much shorter, and David could have avoided sleeping on the couch.

“Hector, the new security guy at the airport…he would be a suitable guy” I answered, and then almost immediately wondered what the fuck I was thinking.

“Hector?…who the fuck is Hector?” David asked, as I watched the vein on his forehead swell to Frankenstein-like proportions.

“Hector is just a guy who works at the airport. I was simply answering your question, David” I replied a little too defensively to be convincing.

For the record, I have chatted with Hector on several occasions. He has joined me in the smoking area outside the airport many times. We have eaten lunch together in one of the restaurants in the airport once. I think I may have casually mentioned him in a previous column. He is a nice looking, clean cut Hispanic guy. Likely, the most damning piece of evidence in my explanation of Hector was a seemingly innocent (at the time) beach encounter. I recalled that I had mentioned to Hector that I would be at the beach on a particular day, and he found me there. I am guessing it was not so random. David seemed most interested in this encounter.

My point in my poorly thought out remarks to David was, if he were to watch me fuck Hector, it would be different than ruining the friendship we both have with Nick. I explained all this to David in vain, as we finished what turned out to be our last beer of the evening. We left the bar, and David grilled me all the way home and continued to do so after we arrived at home. I heard it all last night, from all the sexual things I did with Steve and Rick, to the blowjob I gave to Tony the maintenance guy, and of course I got to hear once again about how fucked up it is for David to read about all this shit on the internet. When I finally had enough, I went upstairs and got into bed.

David never came upstairs.

I tossed and turned for quite a while before I was able to fall asleep. I did not know how to fix this.

This morning, I got up early, and showered. I purposely took longer than usual in the bathroom, hoping that David would come up, and we could reconcile this ridiculous situation. I knew he was gonna play golf with Nick, and would want to shower first.

David never came upstairs.

I went downstairs, and took the dogs out for a walk. Finally, and without speaking, David got up and went upstairs.

As I walked down the sidewalk to the lake, I saw Nick approaching from the parking lot. I turned and walked towards him, and said good morning. We exchanged pleasantries, and I asked how his date was last night. I told him that David was showering, and the door was unlocked.

I turned and started to resume the walking of the dogs, and then said, “Hey, would you have sex with me, if David would never find out?”

“Sure” Nick replied without hesitation, “I would have sex with you if he did find out, as long as he was okay with it…its just sex.”

I guess I am not as smart as I thought I was. Or maybe I just over-analyze things too much. Or maybe I just do not understand the effect a penis has on abstract thought.

When I returned from my walk, I saw David’s truck leaving the parking lot.

I wondered what they would talk about while they golfed today, and I went inside to begin writing this column. I tried to imagine what David’s mood would be when he returns, but based on my recent failures in understanding the male psyche, I abandoned that idea.

Que Sera, Sera…stay tuned.