Yeah, I really am.

As much as the insecure and brainwashed males who read this column don't wanna believe that...I am.

The difference between your wife and me is a level of societal-imposed inhibition and a gag reflex. And, of course the anonymity of the internet.

Those sickening paperback novels you see lying on the nightstand, with Fabio on the cover...yeah, what do you think she is reading about in those things? I can tell you what she is reading about...a married woman getting fucked by someone who has a bigger penis than her husband does, a better job than her husband does, and a guy who makes her cum like her husband does not. She is living a fantasy in a book, and if you are lucky that is all she is doing.

Get over it guys, your wives are not so different from me.

I am sure you have convinced yourself otherwise, especially when you see her caring for your children or carefully folding clothes as she takes them from the dryer. Maybe again, when she tells you she loves you, or smiles when you way too rarely mention that she looks good.

How can she lie in bed next to you, and still be cheating on you with a co-worker, friend, or maybe even your brother?

It's easy...she justifies her actions by the books she reads, the soap opera she watches, and because somehow, in her mind, she is just a little bit more wholesome than her girlfriends...oh, and because you ignore her and take her for granted. Every time she picks your fucking socks up off the floor, or moves your dirty plate from the counter to the dishwasher, she is plotting her next indiscretion.

It's easy for her because you make it easy.

This does not sound like your wife, huh?

No, your wife could not be fucking anyone else…she does not even wanna fuck you.

I know, you just read this and you are sure I am talking to the next guy…I could not be talking to you, or about your wife. Your wife is true, she is faithful…Hell, she goes to church every Sunday. Let me ask you something…has she always gone to church, uh, religiously? No?…why do you think she is going now? Did you ask her? Does she urge you to attend church with her? Now, I am not saying she is sleeping with someone from church; however, stranger things have happened. If she is attending church now, and has not been such a frequent worshipper in the past, she might be cleansing herself of internal guilt associated with her marital indiscretions.

Or she might be fucking the music director….if he’s married.

For the record, married women prefer to cheat with married men…make a note of that, and remember it when you attend a company function with her. You will notice a nice looking guy, who maybe makes extended eye contact with her. You will ask her about him later, and she will answer something like “Oh, Chris?, yeah he is married”. That is hardly a deterrent for a sexual affair; in fact it is often an imperative.

And just so you know, I am not picking on your wife. No, the tramp you are fucking on the side, who looks good to you because she does all the sexual things your wife does not…if you divorce your wife, and marry this Jezebel, she will do the same thing. Hell, she is already doing it with you!

I take a lot of criticism for the shit I write every week. I am both crucified and worshipped by both genders. I am not sure why people feel the need to be so judgmental about my marriage or my sexual activities (all of which occur within my marriage). I think (and this is an uneducated opinion) that many people cheat because they are bored with what is available to them at home. I believe that even a virtuous wife, who is held in near goddess-like regard by her husband, has dark urges; which include having sex with someone besides her husband. Is she too afraid to soil the idealistic (and unrealistic) image her husband has of her to suggest such a fantasy to him? A fantasy, which could perhaps enhance their own sex life to some extent?

I am not talking about all the men who read this column. I can tell that some of you have a good handle on your marriage. You help your wife with the household responsibilities; you are attentive to her needs emotionally, as well as sexually. You recognize her as the lifelong partner that she is, and treat her accordingly. Oh, she is prolly still gonna be tempted along the way by someone who is the near polar opposite of you...women are fucked up. We are vile creatures who always want something different than we have...no matter how good we have it, or how foul the alternative is.

We want to cheat...we are predisposed to cheat. And you make it so easy. Every time you flirt with the server at the restaurant, or the teller at the bank, we put a mental hash mark next to someone's name.

It is a common cliché that men are the spreaders of seed, but would that not mean that women are the gatherers of that same seed? Is it wrong for women to want to collect sperm with the same ferocity that men want to spread it?

I do not mean to imply that this is all the fault of the guy involved. Like most things sexual, the guy has little to do with it. For years, shit, for centuries women have played the sex game of “good girls do, and bad girls do not”. Not only is this not accurate, there are many other factors which determine and separate good from bad. If we all just suddenly, and in unison admitted that “we all do”, then this oppressive and archaic sex game would be over.

Yeah, I get e-mails and reader comments from women who hate me for writing what I do.

I get e-mails and comments from men who wanna call me names for doing the stuff I do.

My point is that I should be disappointed in the women who write to me bitching about my content. Most of them have the same desires that I have. The problem is that they feel compelled to repress these desires, and condemn women who freely and openly exhibit them. I assume they do this to help continue their own internal battle of good vs. bad, and their external charade of “the girl who does not”.

There is a bright side to all this. You can maybe fix it. It is not gonna be easy, and I promise you it is not gonna be an attractive suggestion I am about to make...Still wanna know?

You gotta open your mind. You gotta forget almost everything you have learned about yourself, your marriage, relationships, and women in general. Oh, and you gotta totally disregard anything your same-gender friends tell you. They are still stupid, and they are still in denial about their wives doing her boss or personal trainer. No, if you wanna fix this thing, you gotta start from scratch. You gotta assume she has fucked someone, prolly someone you know, and you gotta forgive that in your mind, and then you gotta figure out all the shit you are doing wrong, and stop fucking doing it.

Oh yeah, and you gotta communicate. This will be the deal breaker for many males.

Communication carries with it the stigma of sitting down and listening to hours of female drivel about feelings, family, friends, and curtains. It does not have to be that way.

David and I rarely talk about curtains, and we have an acceptable level of communication. If we are at the beach, the mall, or a bar and I see a physically appealing guy…I often mention it. I embrace the fact that David does the same thing, with girls of course…well, usually. I am not naïve enough to think that David does not see girls who are much hotter than I am on a daily basis, and I do not pretend that I resent him acknowledging attractive members of the opposite sex.

I have written before that David and I have a great marriage. However, we have been married all of one year. I will not come on here and say that any of you should model your marriage after ours. We do what works for us, and yeah, that may change along the way. I would like to think that the openness that we have in our marriage will minimize the desire for either of us to cheat.

I have no idea if David has ever cheated on me, and I have never asked him. I am sure the internet-psychologists will assure me that he has.

I know I have never cheated on David.

Of course, if I had cheated, I would have written the same thing.

Yeah, your wife and I are not so different.