As accustomed as you all prolly are to hearing Tim McKernan’s name in the same sentence with the phrase “cock ring”, I may be the first person to include his name in a sentence with two man-hunks and world-class athletes.

Intrigued?…read on.

As late as Thursday night, I had no idea what I was gonna write about this week. I was online, instant messaging with a chronic masturbator, and he alerted me that Michael Phelps was about to destroy some people in an Olympic event. I know little about Michael Phelps, so I decided to flip over and see what all the fuss was about with this guy.

Michael Phelps is yummy…he is an impressive physical specimen, and he has a cute enough face. It was pretty cool looking at him while he was all pumped up and wet. I was disappointed that the cameras did not focus on his crotch area so much though. I alternated between chatting with Producer Joe, err uh, I mean the chronic masturbator, and watching Michael Phelps dominate the field and single-handedly pass Russia in number of gold medals won. After the swimming race thing was over, NBC showed a slow-mo replay of Michael Phelps swimming, and they showed it from under the water. You could watch him as he glided through the water like a dolphin in a Speedo. As I watched the replay of the event, I noticed how the water “broke” against Michael’s head as he swam under the water. I also noticed I could see the water break off his shoulders…and yeah, I noticed the water break off his penis as he swam. I am guessing his penis is fairly prominent. I mean, it has to be, right? Why would God create a body so perfect, and then hang a little penis on it?

Dude, if David’s lazy-ass sperm could swim like Michael Phelps, we could have our own TV show like that Kate Gosselin twat. I swear, I wanna drag her through that television screen every week and just bitch-slap her. God, what a fucking drama queen she is.

I watched television for a little while after that, and then I went to bed. David was away, so I masturbated as I wondered about Michael’s penis.

Saturday night, David and I went to Aunt Catfish for an early dinner. I had several margaritas with my meal. I know, I am supposed to be laying off the tequila, but Patron is like crack-rock to me, and it calls my name anytime I am in the same zip code. After dinner, I convinced him to take me for a walk on the beach. It was a beautiful evening and I thought it would be a romantic thing to do. We walked a while and then we found a place to sit, watch the tide come in, and watch the other people walk by. David began to talk sexually to me, and touch me. We kissed and kinda rolled around a little as the conversation turned more graphic. He began to tell me what he wanted to do to me when we got home. He repeatedly suggested that I should blow him right there on the beach.

He asked how often I had sex with Tim McKernan or Tom Brady while he was out of town.

Suddenly, I could not wait to get home. I fondled David’s penis on the ride home. I would have blown him, but he has an Avalanche and there is a bunch of shit in the way, and I have this obsession with wearing my seatbelt. Yeah, it’s a whole fucking thing.

When we got home, David let the dogs out, and I immediately got naked, and went to the closet where Tom Brady and Tim McKernan have been patiently waiting to penetrate me. Tom Brady is quite large and always ready for action, while Tim McKernan is smaller, but he makes up in stamina all that he lacks in length and girth.

In case you are a new reader to this column, Tom Brady and Tim McKernan are pet names I have for some adult toys I keep around the house…savvy?

I quickly showered the sand off myself, and when I entered the bedroom David was already in bed, and there was porn playing on the television.

Holy shit, he was serious tonight!

I joined him on the bed, moving directly to his penis with my mouth. I sucked his dick for maybe fifteen minutes as he told me to swallow his cock, and mentioned how he was gonna fuck my ass when I was finished. When I stopped, he pulled my head off his dick, reached under the covers and pulled out a cock ring. Now, some of you may remember a previous incident involving this same cock ring and a blindfold. I will not bore you with the details of that episode; however, David’s dick is greatly enhanced when he is wearing this thing. David applied the cock ring on his now erect penis; which was wet and covered with my saliva and his own pre-cum. He slid it down the shaft of his dick; firmly pushing it all the way down to the base. Immediately, I gripped his dick and began to stroke my hand up and down on it. It felt different…it felt huge, and I could feel every vein and vessel in his penis. The head was bulbous and a dark purple color. I put it in my mouth again, and strained to swallow the entire thing. This cock ring made his dick quite unyielding…but, I managed.

Again, David pulled my head from his penis, and positioned me in a reverse-cowgirl (nice knowledge, huh?) position on top of his engorged cock. My pussy was wet and ready for him as he forced me down on his dick. He felt great inside me, and I stroked up and down on him as he held me on either side of my butt.

And then he put his right thumb first teasingly against my sphincter, and then inside my ass.

I was in near ecstasy as I continued to rock and stroke atop him. This is not an ideal position for me to orgasm, and David knows this…he pulled out of my vagine just long enough to replace his own dick with Tim McKernan, and then after just a few strokes…Tim McKernan was inside me anally. David pushed against the middle of my back and forced me down and away from him now. My ass was in the air as Tim McKernan buzzed inside my ass. Again, I felt David’s enhanced cock push its way inside my vagina. Carefully, I pushed back against both of them. David spanked my ass cheeks as I pushed harder and harder against him and Tim McKernan…and then, I stopped…I knew I was gonna cum, and I just stopped stroking. I raised myself up with my arms, and squeezed tightly against both phallic objects inside me…I had a tremendous orgasm, and then I collapsed forward…spent. David got to his knees, and pulled me up against him, taking Tim McKernan’s spot in my ass. His now huge penis pushed into me and began to pound away. He put Tom Brady into my hand and told me to reach under myself and put him in my pussy. I obliged and within a few minutes I began to cum again…doggie is not a good orgasm position for me either, but OMG, this double penetration thing was the awesome.

I can only imagine if it was with two real dicks, and two real guys…well, so far anyway.

David continued to stroke inside my ass as I squeezed against Tom Brady, and completed my second orgasm. As I finished, I collapsed again, and David removed his penis from my ass. I rolled over to face him.

At this point, I would have done anything he asked me to do…anything.

I looked at his penis, and it was huge. Every vein was bulging, and he shook it at me.

Then he carefully removed the cock ring, and stroked it as he moved towards me…towards my mouth.

I knew what he wanted. He wanted the same thing the crack-whore porn actresses had been doing on the television all this time. He wanted to put his dick in my mouth after he fucked my ass. I have a bit of a problem with this activity. There is nothing appealing about it from my point of view. Oh, I get the male thing, and David had basically just accomplished the sexual equivalent of slaying a fucking dragon.

I opened my mouth wide, and stuck out my tongue.

Cum was already oozing from his penis as he approached my mouth. He guided the head of his dick to my mouth, masturbated briefly, and then came on my tongue. His cum was thick and it oozed out in globs onto my tongue…I held it there as long as I could and then obediently swallowed it. David removed his hand from his penis, but he remained atop me, straddling me at the shoulders. I reached up and took his penis into my mouth. I sucked the head and squeezed even more semen from him. I looked up at him as I did this, and continued to suck him until he was flaccid.

Surprisingly, it was not as bad as you might think.

I knew I had done something special for him, and I knew he would remember this when I ask him to kill a spider or open a jar of pickles.

David went into the bathroom, and I looked about the carnage that was our bed. Tim McKernan lay on one side of me, while Tom Brady was now near the foot of the bed.

I flipped the television to the Olympics, and Michael Phelps was getting ready to swim again.

I watched him win yet again, and then I got up and brushed my teeth.

You know, maybe I am a little different than your wife.