posted on December 01, 2008 00:30
Maybe you came here today expecting breaking news on the Cardinals final decisions regarding which arbitration eligible players they’re extending offers to. Well, if I’d a known it was going to be that kind of party, I’d stick my dick in the mashed potatoes!
Speaking of… how great was Thanksgiving? Even though I’d rank saying “Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday!” right up their with 20-26 year old girls saying “I’m going to start training for a marathon!” as the most annoying cliché’s in conversation for 2008- you’ve got to admit that any holiday that doesn’t involve going to church AND football is sweet. Really sweet. So sweet I don’t want the fun to end. So while all your favorite sites were handing in hack ‘what I’m thankful for this year’ columns all last week I saved mine for after the holiday. Just because.
Let’s call it “The Five Biggest Turkeys Associated in Some Way w/ The Cardinals”
1. The Sign Guy: If you’ve attended a game in Busch Stadium in the past 20 years, chances are you’ve caught a glimpse of The Sign Guy, otherwise known as Marty Prather. Once known for oft-kilter puns and direct shots at the Cubs, the Sign Guy gained national prominence in 2005 when he began a seemingly unfounded assault on one Barry Bonds. Ironic that Mr. Prather had such vitriol towards an allegedly juiced slugger, since the late 90’s were a time of great introspection on how exactly you can shoehorn McGwire into every possible message (Wazzzzzzup?... Big Mac! Was particularly vile, in retrospect.) But with big signs come big exposure and Mr. Prather was soon plastered on stories from coast to coast as the ironic moralist who happened to make very large signs and take them to baseball games. Since Bonds has retired it’s been a tough sojourn into irrelevance; one that The Sign Guy has not taken a particular shining to. Sure, he’s still at over 40 games a year with his messages in tow- but they now ring hallow. Bonds became his foil, his dragon to slay, if you will. Now that the evil beast has been taken down? He keeps searching for that new arch-enemy to no avail. It’s time for The Sign Guy to hang up his poster board and enjoy retirement.
2. Larry Bigbie: Can you believe the Cardinals actually employed a player that missed his only season in St. Louis with an umbilical injury? You can. Because it happened. No word on how Mr. Bigbie enjoys his new job as VP of brand management at Kotex.
3. Cardinal Cowboy: The most shameless self-aggrandizer of this particular list is also the most loathsome by any measure of decency ever agreed upon by society. You may have seen this portly baby face sporting a tin foil replica of the Commissioner’s Trophy, awarded to the World Series champion annually. Along with his flimsy foam cowboy cap and gaudy jerseys promoting various HTML heavy websites and pod casts, the Cowboy seems to have no tangible asset to separate himself from other Cardinal super fans…except for a governor on his hubris. I can’t say for sure, but working off the assumption that a man this garish can’t possibly sneak within 10 rows of field every single game, I’d have to say he was a trust fund baby. Willing to ‘make it rain’ while also harboring a deep guilt for the plantation his forefathers ran to provide him with premium seating courtesy of slave labor. Again, I say I assume. But it’s fair to say that this Wild West reject is one of the more cumbersome drags on the Cardinals franchise.
4. ThatOneGuy: This guy is battling demons. Drugs, hatred for women, a mother’s neglect? That I can’t say. But his damn near constant cheerleading for the Birds has become legendary. Pulling double duty as the Clarkson Eye care Vision Test moderator in-game and public voice of Paddy O’s legendary post-game soirées, ThatOneGuy sprung for the custom jersey in 2004 and has been riding the lightning ever since. What was that? The Pirates just killed the Cardinals 10-2? Who cares! Pour some sugar on me, DJ- it’s time to Party!! Maybe it’s all natural, but let’s just say I’d be a bit surprised if this guy wasn’t huffing horse tranquilizers behind the port-o-potties.
5. Curt Copeland: Mr. Copeland hates his job @ Z107.7 FM. Of this I have no doubt. Anyone that has to listen to multiple spins of Colby Caliet daily for a living can’t possibly be yearning for the alarm to go off every morning. Yet that does not excuse the drunken shenanigans seen semi-regularly at Mike Shannon’s Outfield Bar. One interruption per song is unnecessary. One interruption per sentence is downright intolerable. Hell, I believe at one point during a Cub series he managed to interrupt himself. I get it. Get drunk. Smoke a bowl. Make your head right, but these public spectacles are threatening to undermine the good name of Clear Channel. On second thought. Fuck it.
That’s it. That’s the list. Did I unforgivably leave anyone off? If so let me know. And by the way, ThatOneGuy is incredibly hard to find a picture on the internet of. Why? I have no idea. But it doesn’t seem fair.
Aaron Hooks writes every Monday for InsideSTL.com and regularly for CardsDiaspora.com