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Merry Christmas you little fuckers. Hopefully your holiday has been in the black and you’ve scored more booty than you’ve handed out. If not, don’t take it personally. Your friends and family just don’t love you as much as they love other people. And that’s OK. We all need someone we can cheap out on.

One of the cool things about being a professional baseball player is that you have tons of money to blow at Christmas. At least until you’re in your 40’s and all those monies are gone and you’re sucking cock for crack in that ‘park’ by the Post-Dispatch.

But 40 is like a bazillion years from now… so let’s blow some greenbacks instead!

Plus, since the Cardinals canned Hal McRae’s ass, they employ 0 black people. So we don’t have to worry about all those politically correct Kwanza salutations. Go gentrification!

Let’s give out some presents. The 2009 St. Louis Cardinals Gift List:

David Freese:  A case of Bell’s Third Coast Ale. With 10.3% alcohol by volume, Mr. Freese can get plowed on this stuff really only have “7 beers” for his third DUI. In all seriousness, though- if you’ve already got popped for one dewy, you got to call that cab. Got to. So check that… we’re going with a case of O’Douls.

Albert Pujols: A Zhu Zhu. What the fuck else do you get the guy that has everything?

Busch Stadium: More advertising. You were thiiiiis close to reaching AAA park status last year. A few more SpongeTechs and you’re golden.

Bill DeWitt III: A set. Bill, we’re big boys and girls. We liked the idea of Ballpark Village too. Hell, I’d hasten to say we were even pretty fired up about the whole deal. But to keep telling us that this is coming and that you’re committed to it? That’s just sackless. If you really were all that committed to it, you’d fine the cash. The economy has hurt us all, Bill. It has. But let’s drop this charade in 2010.

Tony LaRussa: Matt Holliday.

Mark McGwire: Thick skin. Maybe all those muscles stretched his a little thin. But after blowing off the media for going on two months, well, you’re going to need it partner. Granted, I don’t really know the inner workings of how the Cardinals run their off-season. But I’d think you’d like to have the hitting coach working with some of his hitters and not taking 10 weeks off to plot a statement to the media. Hey, what do I know, though?

Dave Duncan: DVD of all the Rams LOL they run at the EDJ. The best part of the Rams season? The blooper reel they play on the jumbotron every home game. Nut shots, face plants- it’s all in there. In fact, it’s the only reason to go to a Rams game anymore. If you can get the crowd to crack a smile at a Rams game… it can get Dave Duncan to loosen up.

Jason LaRue: Kayden Kross’ phone number. Make it happen, man. Make. It. Happen.

Cardinals Fans: A little less spam e-mail from the ticket office. Holy shit have they been pounding them out the past month. We get it. Tickets. On sale. NOW! Most of us know how to find you if we need to, OK. You’re becoming the new AOL. But more needy.

That’s it. That’s the list.

Here’s to hoping you and yours got drunk off eggnog and spent the rest of your Friday off humping in empty boxes. Now let’s see who the first writer is to break out the old “Cardinals New Year’s Resolutions” article.


Aaron Hooks is managing editor of CardsDiaspora.com and a Featured Columnist for Bleacher Report. He writes every Friday for InsideSTL. Follow him on Twitter.
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