posted on January 01, 2010 05:30
Think about that. It's been 4 years since the Cardinals won the World Series.
All that bullshit your grandmother used to tell you about "time flying" and "not knowing where it went"? Turns out all that's pretty much true. It's going to be opening day before we can believe it. And to be perfectly honest, I'm good with that. Winter can go suck an egg.
But before we can kick that skank 2009 out of bed (champagne and jager bombs will ruin any new year) InsideSTL needs to run a hack column hastily put together that hungover assholes can skim at their leisure.
Enter: Cardinals New Years Resolutions 2010...
Resolution 1) Get Albert signed. And while we're at it, Matt Holliday too.
If Albert Pujols left St. Louis, it might be the biggest story in this city. Ever. And I don't think I'm really kidding about that. As of now, there's no reason to think that this might happen, but heading into an option year with the best player the sport has seen in the moden era is a risky fucking proposition. Pull down pants, let his agent insert and finish this contract up.
Resolution 2) Whatever advertisement deal you have your AE's pitching... stop it.
Especially the signage. This isn't Durham or Springfield. It's OK to make ad opportunities a little bit exclusive. Learn your lesson from the Rams and don't take any fly by night company up on their offer to give you a scrap of money to throw their logo on something in Busch Stadium. Make your money, I don't want you to not. But watching a game is like getting slapped in that face with a Penny Saver. And that's never fun.
Resolution 3) Can the kids.
God Bless America is a nice song. Some might even consider it a great song. But running out a group of pre-pubescent tweens to screech their way through the thing every 7th inning while nice for community outreach in a board meeting... it kills my buzz. I need to hear the vendors yelling last call- not the real-time ball dropping of Johnny 3 Octaves Too High. Leave it to Ernie Hayes to entertain us. Or a hot chick.
Resolution 4) Save the spam for Hormel.
I don't know how you got my e-mail address, but under whatever circumstance I gave it to you, it wasn't intended for ticket spam. I know that if I want tickets to games, I visit STLCardinals.com. I promise I will go there and buy some if I need to. You can even put up a little box on your homepage with specials if it will make you feel better. But the e-mails everyday about 4% off super-premium suites to celebrate the 18th day of Christmas is spam. Even if I consented to it.
Resolution 5) More Big Mac.
Fuck it. You're going to have some backlash by bringing this guy back. So you might as well ignore the haters and let it rip with all sorts of Big Mac old school intimidation tactics. Welcome to the Jungle, pictures in the visiting clubhouse- ALL of it. These pussy players of the 10's don't know much- but they know they're still scared of a giant redheaded asshole that can hit balls 600 feet. Big on the Big Mac!
Aaron Hooks is managing editor of CardsDiaspora.com and a Featured Columnist at Bleacher Report. He writes every Friday for InsideSTL. Follow him on Twitter.