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I submitted CardsDiaspora.com from the past 2 weeks as a treatment to NBC. They want drama, right?

Granted, my memory is terrible. I can’t recall shit without writing it down in a notebook or on a iPhone app. But this off-season has been one big cluster fuck of… well… everything.

Mark McGwire is hired as the hitting coach. Matt Holliday had Scott Boras lift Bill DeWitt’s supple buttocks over a conference table and go to work. Mark McGwire cries; quivers his neck waddle at Bob Costas. Albert Pujols casually mentions that he wouldn’t mind playing for someone else. Jim Edmonds finds an old half-shirt in the closet and decides to throw down an ultimatum to the Cardinals at a charity event for abused dogs.

That Brad Penny signing seems like 3 years ago.

And you know what? I love it. I fucking love it. 

St. Louis is home to some of the softest sports fans on the planet. Every day is pretty much a stroll down a flower strewn path nursing a bowl of Dippin’ Dots. Players like John Rodriguez or Larry Bigbe are feted like they just ended terrorism every time they walk into a bar. Callers on every sports radio station phone in to defend things like “fiduciary responsibility” and “restrained post home run celebrations”. 

It’s a big a big fucking kumbaya every day in Cardinal Nation.

But this off-season all the dirt we’ve been sweeping under the rug is getting beaten out. And oh, how glorious it is.

The only thing I could think of that’s missing is a sex scandal. No, wait- a GAY sex scandal.

Imagine the chasm that would open up if one of the Cardinals was openly gay! In a rough estimate, I’d say for every liberal, accepting Cardinal fan there are at least 10 Bible thumpers that would inundate every media you could think of with idle treats (I’m never buying a ticket again!) and primo prothlesizing (The good book says you’re going to hell if you don’t fire this guy, Mr. Mo).

If you thought steroid sympathizers V. steroid hard-liners was brutal- throw in a little gay butt sex and you’ve got yourself endless fodder for everyone.

Don’t be ashamed of your feeling Cardinal Nation. We’re all titillated by this off-season of drama. It’s OK to feel emotions other than blind loyalty. It means you have a brain.

And if you got semi-hard thinking about a gay Cardinal- then you probably are gay yourself. That’s OK too.

MOMENT OF THE WEEK-

Event: GND Wild Card Party (Lucas Park)


The one where everybody pretends their over-dramatic drama club friend from high school is still fun to party with, when, in actuality, his act has gotten stale and this might be the last straw.

Perhaps the people in this picture like Carson (let’s call him Carson). More than likely, they don’t. The fact that this snapshot in time has garnered almost 1000 views brings this final night of ‘friendship’ to an end and Carson gets a little too out of hand to overcompensate for his eroded social skills.

I hate when friendships have to end. Luckily, cruise lines still need staffers.

MEMORY I’D RATHER FORGET-

Last year at the GND of the Year party, Timberfake was sauced.

Seated first row by the stage, the original playbaby was on the stage after the ladies had their catwalk and he fell off into my lap. Most people would move ASAP. But he just kind of sat there for about 5 seconds as I cradled him like a big 110 lb baby. He never really said anything.

Lush has really fallen off since that day.


Aaron Hooks
is Managing Editor for
CardsDiaspora.com and a Featured Columnist for Bleacher Report. He writes every Friday for InsideSTL. Follow him on Twitter.
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kalvaitis007
# kalvaitis007
Sunday, January 31, 2010 8:51 PM
Good lord, you're awful. Stop writing.
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