12

It was only a matter of time.

You knew those little fucking weasels over in marketing wouldn't let a veritable gold mine like "Cardinals Nation" last forever without turning it into some corporate shill job that would embarrass Billy Mays. God rest his soul.

Well it's official.
Become a member of Cardinal Nation for only 19 fucking 95 a year and... barf.

It's not like this is surprising in the least. We've felt that the term "(Blank) Nation" was pretty much passe since 2007, but truth be told, it was an easy and concise way for people talking or writing about Cardinal fans to convey a collective spirit and camaraderie in an economy of words. Therefore it lived on.

But now? Now it's dead. Because every time you mention it, it'd be akin to asking "Who's a Member of Sam Club" or "Who's a Member of the Taliban". Nobody is going to admit they actually forked over an hours worth of wages to be a member of Cardinal Nation.

Hell, even kids that get this damn thing as a gift are going to see right through it for your douchiness.

It was cute for a while.
But the Nation is disbanded. We're back to being Cardinal Fans and just Cardinal fans.

Thanks Mr. DeWitt for ruining our lives.


SPRING TRAINING

Remember when
Randy Johnson killed that bird? That was cool. Spring training is 5 days away.


BRENDAN RYAN

No worries, bro. Mark DeRosa showed that a little wrist problem doesn't hinder your ability to play major loge baseball at all. Nope. You can really be an impact bat in this line-up- it's not like the wrist is all that important.

Wait, what?

Oh you mean to tell me
DeRosa bent the Cardinals over and dry humped our taints with that second half performance? Come to think of it... I was feeling a little chafed in October.

Wrist injuries are not not complicated. Whatever the term is for thousands of little bones in there... that's why. Tiny. Bones. Thousands of them. And you start dicking around in there with knifes and needles and God knows what else and it can get messy real quick.

I hope Brendo knows what he's up to. Because he's pissed everybody off before spring training has even started. And I'm not 100% convinced he's going to be "fine" on Opening Day.


PRE-MARDI GRAS

This weekend Soulard is up for a fresh coat of piss. And trouble will be out en masse to provide it.

I think Mardi Gras has something to do with a religious calendar or something, but it's still bullshit that one of the best party days in town is getting pushed closer and closer to January. It's like the want us to see negative titty.

You know when a good time for an outdoor party is? Anytime that's not the second week of fucking February. That's when. At least in March you've got a shot at a nice day. But early Feb? You'd have a better chance of seeing
Kristen Cornett from News Channel 4 plowed and flashing for beads*

* While the above link to a picture is, in fact, Kristen Cornett @ Mardi Gras, I cannot confirm that she was either a) drunk or b) pulling her nipples out of that shirt.


THE KILLER APP


Fuck love-
the killer app is definitely Cards Diaspora

.

It's like the pocket fart with words, man. Download it.


PIC of the WEEK


The one where the Na'vi attempt to eat our human pets?



An Avatar got loose last week and thankfully the ISTL Nightlife section was on hand at the mardi gras pet parade to document this Jim Cameron creation cume incarnate earth dweller try to eat some poor shclubs dog.

Why St. Louis? Why dogs? We may never know the answer to these questions. But at least we've got proof that the only place the Na'vi would rather be than Pandora is Johnny's.

Go peacefully, blue thingy. And leave our animals the hell alone!


Aaron Hooks is managing editor for
Cards Diaspora and a Featured Columnist for Bleacher Report. He writes every Friday for InsideSTL. Follow him on Twitter.

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T-Bone
# T-Bone
Saturday, February 13, 2010 11:58 AM
Holy crap this article is terrible. Spelling errors everywhere and many, many failed attempts at humor. I'm actually embarrassed for you.
KDub
# KDub
Saturday, February 13, 2010 5:12 PM
Can I have my 25 seconds of reading time back?
kalvaitis007
# kalvaitis007
Saturday, February 13, 2010 8:19 PM
You are the worst part of this entire website. How's that make you feel? Serioulsy, "Sam Club"? Just stop.
fucifino
# fucifino
Saturday, February 13, 2010 8:40 PM
this is the kind of shit we have to read while Tim is out?
dolphy
# dolphy
Sunday, February 14, 2010 2:45 PM
This is awful...The Cardinal Nation thing really isn't that bad, you get 2 tickets for 19.95.
AT Hooks
# AT Hooks
Monday, February 15, 2010 9:15 AM
Let's rape this guy!

ATH
mizzouleg3nd
# mizzouleg3nd
Monday, February 15, 2010 1:21 PM
I realize things may not be going well at Charter, but if $19.95 is truly an hour's worth of wages in your world you might want to improve the grammar, lose the whole cool "look mom I can cuss like I'm on Deadspin" approach and actually stop wasting all of our time.

And we all seem to hate the whole Mardi Gras debacle it seems, it's just some of us didn't host a douchebag party and advertise it with cheesy promos.

#
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