26

There are three things I know for sure:

1) You're going to pay taxes and the assholes in Washington are going to figure out ways to piss that money away.

2) Justin Bieber is going to be a trending topic on Twitter. Go ahead and check. Was he there? I don't know why, either. I do know that I mentioned offhandedly the other day something about this phenomena and instantly had 5 new followers. He's going to end up killing us all. Watch.

3) Albert Pujols will bat third for the Cardinals and he will dominate your weak ass pitching.

If you're thinking that it's a little bit too early for the season's first mouthful of #5 cock column, you wouldn't be totally wrong. But you also wouldn't be
totally right either.

In less than 10 days, the Cardinals will take the field for real and games will count. What we're not sure of is just how much involvement with these 'real' games the St. Louis slugger will have.

For the lion's share of the spring AP has battled his back. Some have speculated that it could be an old Korean War injury acting up, but that's ridiculous. He's only 40! He didn't fight in the Korean War! Others, and by others we mean the shady herd known as the Cardinals doctors and trainers, have insisted that this stiff back is nothing to be concerned about. They're just being cautious. Move along. Nothing to see here.

The truth, most likely, is found in between. For a player of Pujols' stature, having a minimum amount of game action in the spring isn't necessarily a cause for concern. Many veteran hitters can be ready for game action in as little as 2 weeks.

On the other hand, the Cardinals have had a history of woefully mis-diagnosing injuries (or at the very least lying their guts out) and Mr. Pujols seems like the type of guy who'd rather be raped by rabid field mice than miss anything even resembling a game.

And here's the bad news: The Cardinals are t-totally fucked in so many ways if Albert Pujols is injured more seriously than is being reported now.

1) You don't replace the best player in baseball. You literally will have to send a replacement out on the field, but you don't replace him. Everyone on the team gets worse. Pitchers, hitters, coaches- everybody. Plus- other teams are just that much more confident in their ability to beat the birds.

2) Albert Pujols has been a warrior for his entire career. But considering he is just (allegedly) 30 and he's been pretty much on the brink of catastrophic injury every single season he's played WHILE trying to negotiate the richest contract in franchise history? Well that's just sounds like rock and a fucking hard place to me. What if this is it? What if this back is the thing that finally exposes Albert as a mere mortal? I'm not saying it will happen, but people with back problems usually don't ever fully feel like themselves once they start to have them, no?


3) Every day Pujols misses, the Dominican Republic becomes approximately 4% less cool. Now that everyone hates Big Papi, this most likely will end tourism to the island nation as we know it. Bill DeWitt loved sunning on that fucking island man. Fuck.

So, yeah, I guess you could say this is the first fawning all over Pujols column, because, frankly, I don't want to even have to think about a team without the guy for any amount of time. He's that good.

Hopefully this post will be completely irrelevant by the time the season starts.

Hopefully El Hombre will be in the 3 spot all season long with a strong, moose-like back.

Hopefully this was a complete waste of everyones time, like it is every week.

But when the words 'cardinals medical staff' and 'Albert Pujols' are involved, I don't think anyone can have a good feeling.

A misdiagnosed ailment, yes. A good feeling? No.


Aaron Hooks writes for
Cards Diaspora and Bleacher Report and InsideSTL. Follow him on Twitter here.

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