posted on January 31, 2013 00:00
What’s that you say!? Performance-enhancing drugs (PED’s) are in the sporting news again? The humanity!
I’ve managed to avoid the go-to of Super Bowl reporting until now, but 2-weeks are a long fucking time and even I have a breaking point.
Alex Rodriguez, and other baseball players, have again been linked to illegal substances, and none other than the Super Bowl and NFL Golden Child himself, Ray Lewis, has reportedly used deer antler spray…yes, that’s what I typed… which is on the banned substance list, to enhance his recovery.
As far as PED’s in athletics, I’ve written several times on this and it moves my “give a shit” needle as much as an Obama “smoke-up-my-ass” speech. Professional athletes cheat. This isn’t “Field Day” at the goddamned orphanage, it’s quite simply the WWE, but with mostly real competition and it’s for our PAID entertainment. Get the fuck over it. Don’t like it; don’t watch it…move along.
What attracts my attention to this is the feigned utter SHOCK by so many in the media that such a prominent NFL player would be connected to a PED. Look, you blind fucks, NFL kickers and cornerbacks are built like Mr. Universe competitors were in the 1950’s.
Like those who thought that single-balled bicyclists could ride for days through mountain ranges without “help”, you dumb assholes should be beat with the tire iron of obviousness if you really believed the bodies of these living statues were attained “naturally”, much less could endure such rigors without assistance.
What it is that I’m continually amused by is just WHAT they will put in their bodies. If I were a scientist or nutritionist, in lieu of a brilliant (albeit undiscovered) fucking writer, I’d entertain myself by challenging the lengths to which these morons would go, and I’d just say “fuck it” with the actual results.
All you have to do is have credentials behind your name, which isn’t even really a necessity, and TELL these dipshits that what you’re selling will work and they’ll take to that bait like some hairy-palmed halfwit to an internet “Catfish” scheme.
Furthermore, they’ll turn their equally dimwitted cohorts onto your wares and make you a goddamned millionaire.
I’d be having fucking office pools and contests in the lab. “Dr. Enright got a Yankees’ infielder to eat a decaying moose cock for the ‘recovery benefits’, BUUUUUUT, Dr. Dahmer got a Patriots’ linebacker to do the same with that of a human – winner-winner, chicken dinner!”
See what I did there…yep, I’m pretty fucked up.
The list seems endless of what these chicken-shit, “scared of their own irrelevance” athletes are willing to swallow, inject or ram up their own ass for personal gain…not unlike an ex-girlfriend of mine. This is the part that captivates me.
I reiterate my previous column thoughts in saying juice them all the fuck up and let me watch sports at the ultimate peak of their possible performance, enhanced or not. It’s what I pay for – to be entertained.
When we end up with an actual Cyborg out there who can hit a baseball 670-foot or literally decapitate another half-bot with a clothesline tackle, I’ll spend my hard-earned cash on that shit. Until then, I have these assholes.
The more important question than whether or not Ray-Ray rubbed in ointment extracted from the anal gland of a mother possum to speed along his injury rehab should be why we continue to place this man on a pedestal, despite the fact that there are SERIOUSLY unresolved questions surrounding the stabbing death of 2-men and his involvement.
I realize I’m not breaking ground here by touching on this but I’m already sick of the excuses and double standard in this coverage. OJ Simpson cut the goddamned heads off of 2-people and was acquitted but still garnered years of shots, jokes and critique (as he should have) from these very same douche bags in the media who are now screaming at us that Lewis “had his day in court” and that we all just “need to respect” that.
Where the fuck is the difference here? I’ll tell you where. One was a FORMER football hero, while one is current. One at least learned from his “alleged” mistake, changed his life and did some good. And, most importantly, one found The Jesus.
I give 2-shits about ZERO of those reasons, the last one especially. I’m so sick of Jesus being the great eradicator of all that was bad in one’s life that I want to break a cross over my knee…yep, I said it.
There’s a reason that convicts, addicts and assholes find Jesus. People love the symbolic gesture of it; pounce on the “advertisement” it provides for religious rescue and eat up that fucking narrative, seemingly excusing all discretions at the very mention of his name.
Wife beater – Jesus! Child abuser – Jesus! Booze hound, crack-head, incarcerated felon – Jesus, Jesus, ALL PRAISE JESUS!!!
Finally – likely involvement in a double homicide after which your reportedly blood-soaked white suit was never found, yet you were cleared as “innocent” – Jesus…AND success on the professional field of play.
It’s all bullshit in my mind and I rarely buy into it. When I hear Ray Lewis invoke the gospel for the 712th-time in an interview, especially when dodging half-assed, tiptoeing questions about “the incident” (rich, huh?), I want to throw a goddamned Lazy Susan at my flat screen, and I haven’t seen one of those things in 23-years.
Jesus is the easy way out. You know the hardest part of living with the changes I had to make in how I was living my own life? It’s putting my head on the pillow each night with the burden of knowing that IT WAS I who was responsible for my previous actions and it IS I who is responsible for making sure I never return to them, not motherfu…ok, I’ll draw the line there…Jesus. (See, I do have boundaries)
I live with the fact that I was an asshole and that no Jesus, or book he popped out of, can change that or take that onus off of me. I live with the fact that I hurt a lot of people with my actions and behavior.
And 2-families live with the loss of a relative in “the incident” that Lewis was, at the very least, present for. Something tells me that they could care less that, not only ESPN and the rest of the country, but also Jesus, apparently forgives Ray.
How I get from the start of these columns to the finish confuses even me…KMFP-out!
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