So, my friend met this guy last week. He was interesting. He could talk about things other than sports and video games. He was intelligent. He knew how to challenge without being condescending, ignorant or obnoxious. And he was cute. He had the geeky/sweet look mixed with a hint of “break me off a piece of that!”

Having conversation with him, so my friend tells me, was interesting, engaging and not only challenging, but fun. She knew she liked him right away. Flirting is happening, she said, when she asked the right questions (cause you have to ask the RIGHT question these days) to find out that there was a woman in his life. Someone he sleeps with regularly, sees socially, but he still considers himself single. In her mind, and she suspects in the mind of the aforementioned female, this guy had a girlfriend.

But since he was “single”, and seemingly liked her too, the offer for sex was on the table with the understanding that it was not dating, it would probably not lead to dating and in fact meant nothing other than two people having a good time.

My friend has gotten this offer before. In fact, my friend gets offers for no-strings-attached sex from men, often in relationships, at least a few times a months. Some are repeat offers and some are new.

Now, my friend is relieved that she is attractive enough to warrant offers. She doesn’t mind the attention. My friend is upset because that is the ONLY kind of offer she gets. She ONLY gets offers for no-strings-attached sex from men who are either already in a relationship or have no interest in being in a relationship...at least not with her.

Poor girl. She’s getting really tired of being a toy for men to bat around. She’s started to think that despite the oceans of married couples out there, that SHE is the freak, the minority, because she wants a relationship and not just easy, albeit mediocre or disappointing, sex.

So, I’m gonna try and help her out...

1. A late night phone call/text does not mean he missed you. If a guy only contacts you when his night is ending, he doesn’t really like you, and no, he’s not “missing you”. He just wants to fuck you. He will never like you. He will never want anything from you other than an easy fuck. Don’t believe the movies. It will never happen. You are not, and will never be, someone’s exception. If he DID like you, he’d contact you when his night was starting so you could go out and have fun together.

2. They never leave the woman they are with. Married or just in a relationship, it doesn’t matter. They will never leave. Again, you are not the exception. Don’t even try. You are, again, acting as nothing more than an easy fuck.

3. Does he ask questions about you? Sure you can ask him questions all night long and he’ll answer them, perhaps honestly, perhaps not, but he’ll answer. You will, in turn, answer the same questions yourself. This will SEEM like a conversation. But, and this is the crux of the matter, he never ACTUALLY asked any questions about you. He never really wanted to know. Enjoy the conversation, but pay attention to whether or not he is asking any of the questions. Does he actually express an active interest in getting to know you???

4. Girl on girl... You’re talking to a guy and you are starting to think you really like him. Not long afterwards you find him talking to another girl. You’re first instinct might be to fight for his affection. But if he was really that interested he wouldn’t be talking to the other girl anyway. In other words, this means he is no way interested in working for your attention or affection. He’s not even interested in working to have sex with you. Don’t play the game. The only way you will win the game is if you offer easy sex. If that’s what you want, go ahead.

5. Mileage and Money. He’s buying you drinks all night. He’s being very attentive. He’s even buying your friends drinks! Or..... He drives out to see you. He doesn’t live near you, but he wants to hang out and watch movies. So he’ll drive the distance and pick up drinks on the way. In your mind this reads as him making an effort.... This is a guy who is simply trying to fuck you. He’d drive any distance and pick up any amount of alcohol and buy as many drinks as he can afford to try and fuck you. If he does all these things and asks to see you again, WITHOUT trying to fuck you, THAT is a guy that is actually interested. Or maybe he just really wants to fuck you and is willing to try again another night. Or maybe he’s gay. It’s hard to tell. Guys are slippery.

6. Wait. I know it sounds very 1950’s and something your mother would say, but if you want to find out if a guy is interested, wait to sleep with him. Myself, my friend, and her friends, have all had experiences where a guy just up and disappeared. Just....poof, gone. Turns out, (we know because we asked other men) they were fed up with not getting sex and moved on, most likely, to easier punani. That’s a guy that is NOT interested in you. That is a guy that is interested in SLEEPING with you. I can’t tell you how long to wait, but waiting is really the best way to weed out the assholes. And if they do disappear, you’ll feel really empowered that you beat him at his own game and didn’t sleep with him. Trust me. It’s way better than feeling discarded when he leaves AFTER sleeping with you.

7. If something feels wrong, it’s because something IS wrong. You feel guilty, but you aren’t sure why. You don’t think you did anything to feel guilty about. You feel like you are wrong, but an hour ago, you were positive you were right. He threw you across a room and when you yell at him you eventually find yourself apologizing. I think they teach men manipulation in high school. Listen to yourself and your instincts. Don’t make excuses or allowances for the men in your life. If something feels wrong, it’s because something is wrong. Be brave enough to trust yourself. You may never find out if you were right, but you’ll feel awesome for putting your faith where it should be, with you and not with the guy who did something you are upset about anyway.

8. Don’t play a game you can’t afford to lose. That ploy where you threaten to leave him unless he does something... Or the ultimatum where you want to know something, or else... First of all, you have a problem in general if you have gotten to the point of ultimatums and threats, but secondly, if you are going to play the game, then be

prepared to lose the game. If you threaten to leave, be prepared to leave. And then ACTUALLY leave. If you say you are going to do something, do it. If you aren’t sure you want to do it, don’t say you will. If you ask a question, and you suspect that the answer is something that is going to make you walk, then be prepared to walk away. Show any weakness and they’ll eat you alive.

9. “You” should NOT be a fluid concept. You know what he likes and what he wants, or at least you can make an educated guess. And for the rock-bottom price of your soul, you can be all of those things. Except you really don’t like Guitar Hero and $1 Pitcher Nights at Peanut Shells On The Floor really isn’t your thing. But he likes you!!! No. He doesn’t. He doesn’t like you. He likes the “you” you created to be around him. Who you are, what you want, and what you believe/think/feel are not things you should trade in for a man. Yeah, you can get any guy’s interest with the right push-up bra and calculated conversation but you are going to hate yourself (or at least you should) for denying who you really are. If he likes you, he’s going to like YOU. If he doesn’t like YOU then move on. It’s never going to work. Do you really want to live a lie your whole relationship? Authenticity and confidence are ten times more attractive than placation and agreeableness.

10. Don’t settle. You end up crying more than laughing. You call him all the time because you are sure he’s out with another girl. You break up more than you make love. But, at least you are not alone. Bullshit. Don’t settle for something you don’t want because you are scared of the alternative. You’ll be much happier and stronger, admittedly after a period of adjustment, for making the choices that were right for you. He’s sort of annoying and dresses badly and has god-awful breathe, but he’s a doctor. Bullshit. You don’t like him. And he probably knows you don’t like him. In fact, you both probably know it is being forced but neither will admit it. You’re with him for the wrong reasons. It’s better to be alone for the right reasons than be with someone for the wrong ones. If you are in a situation because you are scared of the alternative, and you are not in the situation because that’s the situation you WANT to be in... get out. Get out now. Fight. Kick. Scratch. Scream. Battle. Bleed. Cry. But be true to who you are, what you want and what you need. Settling is for the weak. We’re women; we are anything but weak.

Ladies, men are not actually the end-all-be-all of your life. Get a vibrator and a body pillow and move on. If you want easy no-strings-attached sex, go for it. The world is your oyster and the offers abound. If you want a relationship, I have no advice on how to find one, but I can tell you how NOT to find one. And if you don’t know where to start, you can start by identifying what you DON’T want.

Too bad, really... he was really cute, and I was into him. Uhhhhh, I mean, my friend was.
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Jeff Thomason
# Jeff Thomason
Tuesday, August 16, 2011 10:45 PM
That was a really good read. A bit sobering as a man, but you could really apply this advice to most relationships in your life, friendships especially. Minus the sex stuff of course on hetero friendships... Very nice read.

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