posted on May 18, 2012 00:00
Insecurity is a motherfucker. It is a driver of intolerance, deception, anger and pain. Insecurity is everywhere and everyone I know deals with it everyday; whether it is theirs to own or they are dealing with a strained relationship due to an insecure participant. Those who attempt to engage with the insecure often end up with feelings of confusion, exhaustion and may even become insecure in their own ability to judge the character of others. If a person sits inside relations with an insecure friend, lover, parent or boss (whatever really) for too long, the damage can be irreparable. Like I said, insecurity is a motherfucker.
Manifestations of insecurity are widely varied; largely based on the type of relationship, type of personality and circumstances surrounding the relationship. As a women, I am particularly sensitive to the female brand of insecurity that starts with a self-serving bias and ends with hypocritical finger pointing, rumormongering ugliness. The competition is not that fierce, ladies! There is plenty of success to go around in the first place; and in the second, if we help each other, we’ll fucking get there more quickly. Duh. But, I digress. If a woman enters into a friendship with me, she best not pull that shit because I will not tolerate it. It might take me years, but I will catch her ass in her web of lies. When I do, I won’t give notice or explanation when I hit delete and leave the idiot to her own messed up sense of reality.
Idiot? Yes, this word fits in snugly for this scenario. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), an idiot is “a person so mentally deficient as to be incapable of ordinary reasoning.” Dealing with these people is a perpetual drain because they do not see themselves clearly. They don’t process the situation like a ‘normal’ person. They certainly do not see any part of those they hurt with their bullshit either. As engagement level thins with those they have harmed, their lies become more outrageous and self-aggrandizing. This part leaves me feeling disgusted and overwhelmed, but at the same time, I am fascinated by this phenomenon.
Why not call her a ‘bitch’ or a ‘cunt’, Natasha? Seems like you’re taking it easy here. I am not doing it here for a few reasons – 1.These are both words that men sometimes use to put women in our place, 2. I am writing from experience, but not about any one particular situation and 3. I call them that in private. Please note the red ‘sometimes’ guys and be patient, I’ll get to your insecure bullshit later. Oh and that last number is a joke by the way, I can’t actually say it is wrong for men to use those words in reference to women and then turn around and call them that myself, cause that would make me a hypocrite wouldn’t it?
Where was I? Oh yes, so these situations usually play out pretty much the same way every time. Typical bump into a friend of a friend who asks an innocent question about something private that the ‘stab-y’ shared with the ‘stab-er’ and BOOM! Everything blows the fuck right up. For the next scene, we have two peripheral friends comparing notes over two bottles of wine, some Friday’s appetizers in between tears of outrage and disbelief. How could we be so blind and stupid? Did we forget the rule of ‘those who gossip to you will also gossip about you?’ The harmed feels ashamed, saddened, disillusioned. Then that part of the female brain that activates all that self-mutilating abuse born from questioning one’s own judgment goes into overdrive and knocks us right on our asses. This is only the beginning; this only covers the internal stirring, which doesn’t address the ‘others’.
And, what of the fallout with the connections made through that relationship? What happens when those connections are part of the tangled web of girl on girl crime? Ah, kids, there’s nothing like the ripple effect. This is what happens when idiots are not eliminated through natural selection. To end a cycle of girl abuse, the best thing to do is wait. Eventually, the lies become so outrageous that even those who have a natural tendency to see the best in everyone beside themselves will snap and call out. When that happens, understand that the girl who reached out deserves the truth, support in dealing with the truth and the right to do whatever she sees fit to do when finally armed with all the information.
Ladies, we have got to knock this shit the fuck off. It’s embarrassing. No wonder men treat us like children sometimes. Look, I understand that it is confusing to be a woman in this society. I understand that the messages we receive from our parents, our community and our media are all over the damn place. I know our values are all disjointed and make us feel unattractive, unlovable and co-dependent, but we are not those things and we can help each other reach a higher level of success then we could ever reach alone.
Madeleine Albright once said, “there is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.” She forgot to mention a bit about women who attempt to destroy other women with their petty, self-centered and disgusting behavior. Although, maybe this wasn’t an oversight at all, maybe Madeleine thought that hell was too good a place for that kind of ‘woman.’
Tune in next time when I address the male version of insecurity and how much fun it is to be on the receiving end of that crap.