Adam Collins posted on October 14, 2011 08:07
I recently re-watched John Carpenter’s horror classic, The Thing. I don’t think I have seen it in over fifteen years, and that was on TNT. So, to watch it again, uncut, was a treat. I was amazed at how well it really holds up. Although, it was made in 1982, it is still a blast to watch. When I got wind that there were doing a remake, like most people, I asked, “Why?” Carpenter’s classic has a rating of 8.2 on IMDB as well as a loyal cult following. Again, I ask, “Why?” John Carpenter has given us many great classic films: Halloween, Escape from New York, Vampires, etc. The studio hired Matthijs van Heijningen, Jr. to fill Carpenter’s shoes. Matthijs van Heijningen, Jr. has given us…nothing. And I am sorry to report, he still hasn’t.
As news got out, the new The Thing is made to be a “prelude” to original. The original opens with a spacecraft crashing into Antarctica, and then cuts to a Norwegian helicopter shooting at a husky. The dog makes it to an American camp. The Americans go to the Norwegian camp and find it in a state of death and destruction. The new film fills the void from the time the spacecraft lands to when the helicopter is firing at the husky, and answers the question no one asked: What happened to the Norwegians?
The prelude opens with a group of Norwegians chasing a mysterious signal in the Antarctic desert. They find it in the form of a chasm that leads to a spacecraft. Next, we cut to somewhere in America and see paleontologist Kate (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) as she explores the remains of a saber tooth tiger. She is interrupted by Adam (Eric Christian Olsen) whose boss, Dr. Sander (Ulrich Thomson), convinces her to join his expedition.
Now, we are on a helicopter piloted by two Americans, Carter (Joel Edgerton) and Jameson (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje). They land in the Norwegian camp mentioned above. From here, we meet the cast of characters whose names are not important and whose functions are nothing more than the characters in the original: suspect everyone is the alien and die. After the first twenty minutes, the prelude becomes nothing more than a remake of the original for the next fifty minutes. At times, it feels almost shot for shot.
Then you have the next 20 minutes, which are the most trite 20 minutes of science fiction possible. There is nothing original. Everything was recently done in Super 8, Cowboys & Aliens, and Skyline, which is the worst piece of shit I have ever seen in theaters. It was even done in Independence Day, way back in 1996. Only this time, it just seems forced and it was painful to watch. On the other hand, the final few minutes of the film tie the prelude to the original nicely. The only fun part of the film was watching the new movie tie back into the original.
To say that I was not a fan of this piece of celluloid garbage would be an understatement. Joel Edgerton did his best impression of Kurt Russell’s MacReady with a gravelly Batman voice, and it was awful. Mary Elizabeth Winstead was about as wooden as a log which surprised me because she was great in Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. Then there is the fact that no one could fill the void of Wilford Brimley, and he didn’t even have his moustache in the original.
There is a lot wrong with this version of The Thing. The original was set in 1982, when it was filmed. And it looked like 1982. The new one felt like it was supposed to be a remake, but then they changed plans midway through filming. There was nothing to suggest the time period except an 80’s song playing on a pair of headphones, and the superimposed date at the beginning. It also felt as if a few establishing shots were left on the cutting room floor. I understand how an ellipsis works, but I am not sure that the three editors do.
Before I close out on this atrocity that I was forced to watch, I can’t forget to mention that the sound effects editor should be have been shot on the spot. It almost made my ears bleed. The sound that the alien creature made caused me to cover my ears at one point. There is a point when too much is too much and Glen Gauthier, Nerses Gezalyan and company passed that mark and still kept going. If their goal was to define “cacophony,” mission accomplished. I cannot, in good faith, recommend that you pay money to see this. The original is a classic horror. This The Thing struggles with being a horror/suspense/slasher/hunk of crap. There is always a different 1980’s remake you could waste your money on this week. Or you could just go rent Carpenter’s original.
Rating: 1.5/10