The Pitt of Despair

Friends. Countryman. St. Louisans! Well that didn’t quite have the charm that I was hoping for, but that seems fitting. You see, recently the world has gotten to me, and my personal interests have started to wander. The fiscal cliff and normal year end activity has made work hell for the last 6 weeks or so, and I’ve started writing a book, so my personal attention has turned to creating garbage instead of reviewing others’. So in an attempt to return to my previous form, I had a brilliant idea: let’s hate on Brad Pitt.

The idea came to me while playing ‘Apples to Apples’ with a group of friends. The object of the game is to match your playing card to the topic selected by the judge of each round. The topic of “pathetic” came up and the judge was a female. I had a card labeled “Brad Pitt” in my hand, and this week’s article was born.

I think when Brad left Jennifer Anniston for Angelina Jolie, every woman in the world felt 2 things. First, anger towards the slut bag Jolie, and second pity for America’s sweetheart Anniston. Most men however remained indifferent, since both women are ridiculously good looking, and let’s face it. Any girl that looks as good as Anniston and has not been married (at least at that point) must be a psycho-crazy-bitch. For the record on looks alone, I still choose Anniston.

To get back to the game, I did not play my Brad Pitt card; rather I played the “Puff Daddy” card that was also in my hand at the time. While the judge did concede the patheticness of both celebrities, another card was still chosen as the victor. So here is where I get my revenge, sort of.

The problem that has faced me today is that in my review of Pitt’s filmography, I’m not finding much that I didn’t like. Sure, there are some bad movies in there, and I haven’t seen even close to half of what he gets credit for, but all in all, he has one hell of a career going. Even the fateful Mr. and Mrs. Smith, which I had no confidence in before my screening, was at least somewhat impressive. Eat your hearts out ladies.

The few that I can poke holes at are the following:

Burn After Reading – Words cannot begin to describe my level of hate for this movie. I’d rather put on an orange wig and act out the entire musical Annie than watch this horrid waste of time again.

Ocean’s Twelve – Eleven was awesome, but I couldn’t even make it through this one.

And that’s it. I didn’t love Troy, but I’ll watch it. The same can be said for Ocean’s 13. After that, every damn movie of his that I’ve seen I really like or even love. I’ve mentioned Fightclub before, and still stand up for it today. The Mexican, Se7en and Meet Joe Black are all solid as well. Then we come to the heavy hitters:

Snatch – Can’t understand a word he says, but he and the rest of the film are fucking awesome.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button – Odd as can be, but I was enamored with the concept and story.

Inglorious Basterds – The best Italian that has ever caressed these eardrums.

Moneyball – Slowly becoming one of my favorite movies of all time. Seriously, a movie about baseball and the value behind statistics? He might have been eating in every scene, but dammit this movie is great.

So there you go. Even in my attempt to be an asshole and entertain you for a few minutes has ended in a concession speech about how good Pitt really is and has been. What is the world coming to? Suck it chumps!

Oh, and let’s go BLUES!!!