I was originally running this column for Thursday, but Manti Te’o ruined my plans, as well as Oprah’s. You can bet that attention whore is clamoring for his first interview out of one side of her gravy-dripping mouth, while cursing his lying?/victimized?/homosexual? ass for diverting her spotlight out of the other.

There haven’t been more suitable people for a sofa together since the cast of that highly overrated sitcom who shared the “Central Perk” couch on our television screens in the 90’s. Seriously, you ever watch a rerun of that laugh-track-infused garbage? Anyway, now we get “Lance Armstrong Comes Clean to Oprah”.

One is “every woman” – provided “every woman” shits $100-bills, douches with Cristal and spends decades in the closet with one partner while propping the other up in public with the biggest case of blue balls since I had to separate my adolescent clutches from the lacy goodness of my aunt’s panties in 1986.

The other is quite possibly the most arrogant athlete, regardless of testicle count, in the history of “sport”, assuming we can all throw cycling into that definition for the purposes of this column alone.

And BOTH are more afraid of irrelevance in the public eye than anybody this side of…well, me.

Oprah Winfrey aired a much anticipated (for some reason), 2-part interview with Lance “Tetherball” Armstrong, beginning on Thursday and concluding on Friday, where he…brace yourselves…reportedly admits to being a dope cheat!!! Say it isn’t so! This is about as shocking as the fact that Barry Bonds and Bill Clinton really DID insert hypodermics and cigars into his ass, and the chubby vagina of an intern, respectively.

And before you chastise me for the “Tetherball” remark and making fun of his cancer situation, that immunity goes away when you prove yourself to be a colossal asshole, which Lance has done in spades.

If Oprah tops this soiree off by announcing that “Amish Mafia” is actually fake and her OWN (pun intended) self has a penchant for riding Gayle King’s face like the bull at “Gilley’s”, well I tell you what, John-Boy, I may just fall out of my fucking chair.

This isn’t exactly breaking news, you uppity pig, and the reasons he came to you, and at this highly-orchestrated moment, stink of self-servitude on both of your parts.

I’ve made my thoughts on performance enhancing drugs (PED’S) well-known on these pages and I couldn’t give 2-shits less that Lance used them. If you think any cyclist alive can ride a fucking bike through the goddamned mountains for however many miles they do in that race, WITHOUT the assistance of something, well I’ve got a car wreck and leukemia death story to tell you about my girlfriend.

What makes those of Armstrong’s ilk the immense assholes that they are is the fervor and downright “better than thou” attitude with which they sit upon their high horse in denial and judgment of the “others” that’ve actually been caught and/or confessed.

I have but ONE reason to like Lance Armstrong and that is because more good was done in his name to fight a deadly disease than could ever be touched by mine. And had he, and Mr. Te’o too, come clean early and asserted, false or fucking not, that the reason the myth was perpetuated was because of all of the good in humanity they saw was being done as a result, there’d be a whole lot less of a public outcry.

Armstrong would still be an asshole, because that’s WHAT HE IS by nature, but I’d give him the benefit of the proverbial doubt simply because he had spurred some very good deeds. Hell, even if those were his true motives, I’d still hate the guy for starting this goddamned silicon bracelet trend and getting to fuck Sheryl Crow.

Oprah needs to go away and Lance Armstrong needs to do the same. They’re both rich and can fade off into obscurity in a rather comfortable fashion, but neither can fathom such a ridiculous notion. I won’t watch the interview because I maintain that they’re both enormous frauds and don’t like that arrogant prick or that fat bitch. See, people, we have that right. There are plenty of folks out there that only gave this shit I do one look before deciding it wasn’t for them, and still plenty more that pretend it’s not but religiously return anyhow.

We all have that hypocrisy in us. Armstrong and Fatty McWinfrey are hypocrites at the highest level of “celebrity”, and my following of their horseshit, and more-so, writing about it, makes me a hypocrite at the LOWEST level of my perceived “celebrity”. What that makes the rest of you is beyond me!

“My girlfriend’s dead you know, fell off a cliff, died on impact”…KMFP-out!

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# brockohol
Friday, January 18, 2013 10:06 AM
If I were Lance...I would wear t-shirts everywhere I went that just had the number 470 on the front. Because thats how many millions of dollars his organization has raised for cancer research. My answer to every question about steroids, threatening teammates, treating Sheryl "who gives a shit" Crow like crap, etc...would be ummmmm, $470. "But yes Mr. Armstrong we know that, but what we really want to know is how bad you feel for cheating to win a stupid bike race in a stupid socialist country that no one but stupid people care about?" Ummmmmm, $470. "Yes but" FOUR HUNDRED AND SEVENTY MILLION DOLLARS YOU IDIOT, STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS!

I know he is a borderline celebrity and people for some reason REALLY care about celebrity's lives and more importantly their downfalls, but I cant look past the 470. My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer and got to live a few extra months due to "recent technological advances." I dont know if it specifically came from the 470 million raised by Livestrong but I know it sure as shit didnt come from Honey Boo Boo, The Kardashians, or pregnant teens on MTV (All people that we seem to hold in higher esteem than Lance Armstrong).

In conclusion, there is no telling how many thousands of lives have been positively affected by the money raised by Livestrong. You can say all you want he is a fraud, cheat, smoke and mirrors, asshole, whatever...but if at the end of the day you wouldnt trade his shortcomings for getting to see your grandfather for a few extra months then you are a fucking doosh bigelow and deserve a R Kelly induced pee face.

Suck it KMFP and Go Blues
Friday, January 18, 2013 10:22 AM
Compadre brockohol, first off, my condolences on your grandfather. I lost family to cancer & would absolutetly have loved some extra time.

As I've stated many times, I couldn't give 2-shits about athletes cheating, especially in fucking cycling. And as I've also said, the ONE redeaming quality Lance has, and ONE thing I cannot take away is the money raised AS A DIRECT RESULT of his having cheated...and how can that ever be bad. I just wish he wasn't such a smug prick.

My problems with him will always be that he is just a giant asshole & douche bag of a human being, cancer or not, "celebrity" or not, PED's or not.

But again, hard to argue with "470".

Thanks for the read. Go Blues indeed, suck it indeed...and the Towel Guy still sucks.
# brockohol
Friday, January 18, 2013 10:51 AM
You like how I threw a family tragedy in there so it made it hard to argue with me?

Took a page out of Piers Morgan, Obama, etc...book. Im ashamed of myself.

# brockohol
Friday, January 18, 2013 11:03 AM
I saw that some of his sponsors want their money back?????

Are you kidding me? Is there a plethora of people standing in line at the Post Office demanding a refund for old stamps? Are people puking up Mich Ultras and dropping it off at AB asking for a refund? Are shoe stores getting thousands of used black and gold Nike running shoes returned?

NO ONE...negatively benefited form old Lancey Boy except Lance. Hell, even Oprahs fat ass probably made millions in advertising off of his appearance on her stupid show. This guy is a god damned cash cow no matter how you look at it.

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