posted on October 11, 2012 00:00
Here’s the deal – fucking is fun. There’s no disputing this. If I’ve got 3-minutes to waste in my day, there’s nothing I’d rather be doing than pounding the palm or, Chuck Norris willing, a real live vagina.
That being said, there has never been one little part of me that thinks that filming it would be a good idea. I like to think I look good lifting something heavy or pushing my children on a swing. Fucking, however, cannot be a good look for me. I’m sure there are funny faces involved, odd flexed muscles and noises I couldn’t recreate in otherwise normal times of the day. Porn stars are fun to watch bang, but they’re hot, toned and carefully choreographed. I am none of these things.
Our celebrities also tend to be pretty decent looking. Now, mind you, I use “celebrity” quite loosely when it comes to those that “leak” their sex tapes. They tend to be those hanging on to a twig of relativity or trying to break into it. And our newest one to throw their hat into the fray (mixed clichés) is none other than Terry Bollea, aka “Hulk Hogan”. Yep, his bleach-white ass, contrasted with that overly bronzed, old-ass body (Iggy shout-out!) are not my ideal sex tape lead. And, of course, I still watched.
I LOVE my “celebrity” sex tapes. If Wanda Sykes was scissoring with Rosie O’Donnell or somebody propped Kirk Douglas up, taped his old cock to a Popsicle stick and stuck it in Betty White’s dried up snapper, I’d find that shit on the internet and watch it.
They’re not always good. Paris Hilton yawned her way through a worse sex session than I had at 16 and Tommy Lee’s cock scared the shit out of me, while also feeding my feelings of inadequacy. But that gorgeous lump of untalented shit known as Kim Kardashian straight up fucked the hell out of a wannabe R&B star and V-2-M’d her way into my heart forever. I don’t care if she marries 9-dudes for 40-days apiece and says “like” more than that annoying Facebook friend clicks it, that voluptuous Greek can fuck with the best of them and I have mad respect for that.
The phenomenon of how a camera “unknowingly” makes its’ way into the private bedroom of 2-people and then “slips” into the hands of ne’er-do-wells is as mysterious as the phenomenon of a crazy tale of virgin impregnation, water-walking and wine making sparking centuries of hypocrisy, deceit and, most of all, money, but that’s here nor there. If I weren’t going to hell before, this paragraph sealed that deal. Apparently Jesus monitors the internet as thoroughly these days as divorce attorneys and would-be employers.
Kimmy-K can bemoan the tape all she wants on “E” and feign tears about her humiliation, but that big-butted beauty was nobody before her performance hit the internets. She’s now worth multimillions and still gets her way paid by whichever black celebrity is enamored with that mesmerizing ass for the moment.
These tapes work. They get your name out there, or back out there, again and you’re soon doing the talk show circuit, writing books and tugging at simpleton’s heart strings who buy that you had no idea “action” had been called. Poor Hulk Hogan is a washed up rassler and reality television throwaway. Ripping his shirt off for adoring fans was supplanted by his spoiled, asshole son crippling a friend and his ex-wife humping a 20-year old. His daughter has mostly stayed out of the tabloids, but that’s one huge freak I’d like to see banging on film.
Hogan’s name is back out there and the recipient of his shriveled shaft, the shockingly attractive Heather Clem, and/or her ex-husband and tired disc jockey “Bubba the Love Sponge” are reaping some financial rewards. Win-win-win, yeah!
You can bet on a few things in life. Dane Cook will say lots of unfunny things, any modern day Nicolas Cage movie will suck ultimate balls and Barack Obama will stop just short of faking terminal illness or outright mind control to win a 2nd-term. And you can bet your tampered-with ass that another celebrity sex tape will emerge. Here’s to hoping it involves Mila Kunis or that gorgeous fucking Ryan Gosling.
RIP Webster’s dad…KMFP-out!
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