posted on October 26, 2012 09:00
I tell a lot of stories, mostly true, and tend to be an open book in life. In doing so, I often hear from friends and coworkers things such as “why would you admit that” or “that didn’t really happen”, accompanied by groans and odd faces. A friend once explained it and I think he hit it on the head. He said “it’s not that everybody doesn’t do those things or they don’t happen to us, it’s that WE don’t tell people about it.”
With that in mind, I bring you some undisputable “facts of life”. Cringe, turn away or cover an eye, but you’re alone reading this, it’s okay, admit in the back of your head that they’re true.
• When farting alone, you WILL waft it up with your hand to your face to get a hint of how well you did.
• We all pick our nose when able to. Denying this is pure bullshit. Also, the car seems to be our ultimate sanctuary and apparently impenetrable with the outside human eye of the road.
• Every man has done the “tuck” or “Silence of the Lambs” – you know what I’m talking about.
• When leaving the shower, we’ll all take a second to admire our nakedness in the mirror while also sucking in and flexing.
• Those unfortunate instances in which the finger pokes through the toilet paper, you will double check that with a “sniff test” to confirm that the inevitable actually did happen.
• While none of us over the age of two will purposely pick and eat a booger, we’ve ALL accidentally sucked one down when sniffling, and then taken an extra few seconds to give a little chew before swallowing.
• Everybody’s thought of coworkers when masturbating…sorry ladies.
• Men have all stole a glance occasionally at the next door urinal, purely for comparison sake. I assume broads do the same in locker rooms and where tits are concerned.
• All men measure.
• We’ve all left the restroom without washing our hands, just hopefully not when shitting.
• Between the ages of 14-19, EVERY FUCKING TIME a man uses his digits on a girl, he sniffs them all the way home.
• “All balls itch, it’s a FACT”.
• You all turnaround to admire your shit before flushing, as if a Matchbox car or G.I. Joe toy may be mixed in.
• All men have sniffed panties, just not necessarily a pair of their aunts (some of you get this).
• We’re ALL intrigued by anal, either giving or getting – and apparently both sometimes.
• Peeing in the shower…it happens.
• Sex on the rag, absolutely NOTHING wrong with it. That’s what showers are for.
• A “shart” will happen to the best of us. Let he who hath not “sharted” cast the first stone.
• Everybody’s jerked off at a rest stop – er, wait a minute; let me take that last one back maybe…
These mostly apply to men, obviously, as I happen to be the owner of a cock and balls, a glorious cock and balls. Female comments are welcome and there must be some undeniable truths with your parts as well. I know if I owned them, there’s plenty I’d do with them.
I’m not saying everybody out there can check off the entire list, but you all KNOW your goddamned liars if 2/3 don’t apply. Keep being gross and awkward but, rest assured, we’ve all been there. You’re not so fucking weird.
On a side note, I apparently owe a blow job to a message boarder – fucking Giants…KMFP-out!
LIKE “The KMFP” on Facebook
FOLLOW ME on Twitter @theKMFP
Cardinal baseball coverage: “The Card Room w/KMFP” on LockerDome -
GET STARTED: http://thecardroom.lockerdome.com