I’m firmly back in my home office after an evening of parading my costumed children around to stranger’s homes to tell jokes or perform monkey tricks in exchange for treats. I’ll now dump said candy out on the counter to check for needle holes or razor blades, which there has actually never been a substantiated claim of, but still survives through urban myth, much like all of you out there who still “know somebody” who worked in a hospital where twins were named “Lemonjello” and “Orangejello”…hogwash, bullshit, stop telling that fucking story.

Regardless, we’re still impelled to thoroughly inspect all candy, because you can see it happening, while also immediately disposing of any Saran Wrapped popcorn balls or other homemade concoctions, noting these folk’s address for future egg and toilet paper treatment.

Halloween is easily one of the most ridiculous “holidays” they like to roll out there in the interest of public consumption and corporate profit. Valentine’s Day sits firmly atop of that list and men everywhere are still waiting for “Anal Wednesday” in return for that shit. But Halloween vies for the #2 spot.

Think about the insanity of it. We spend 364-days a year programming our children to stay away from all strangers, never believe the “help me find my puppy” line or promise of a chocolate reward, no pun intended. We firmly instill in them that any request of “performance” for an adult, ESPECIALLY one they don’t know, should be met by loud screams and immediate report to a parent or authority figure, though those “authority figures” are unfortunately often the culprits, but I digress.

Once a year, on October 31st, we then explain that it’s okay to forget what they’ve been told, suspend those warnings, actually buy them costumes to perform in and urge them to the door of strangers, teaching them tricks that will earn them that much desired candy bar.

These poor little shits must be as confused as Barack Obama in the Benghazi war room, while we parents are in as much blind denial. Let’s just give any potential creeps in the neighborhood ammunition to work with the rest of the year by being able to say “remember me, I gave you a ‘Snickers’ when you were dressed as a Power Ranger”. Sounds outlandish but never underestimate these fucks. As usual, my overprotective, shielding nature may go a bit overboard, but better safe than sorry and the message really is contradictory.

Let’s just have “Box Van Day” or “Walk in the Woods Night” while we’re at it. It’s okay this ONE time a year children! Jesus Horatio Christ that’s insane, but basically what Halloween is. Can we have “Liar Wednesday” and “Thieving Thursday” too, where they ignore all moral teachings for one evening and run amok?

Hell, now I may be onto something. Grown women have already adopted Halloween as a “free pass”, if you will, as well. Broads everywhere across this to-be-great- again-next-Tuesday nation of ours disregard their normal inhibitions, using the veil of the holiday to slut it up in bars all across town. Don’t get me wrong, I fucking love this, but it’s the same damned thing. Us dudes should jump on this trend and have “Fuck the Neighbor Friday” or “Strap-on Saturday” (don’t judge me) for good measure. One day a year to completely disregard all of society’s stringent rules for the sake of our own merriment? Abso-fucking-lutely!

Another Halloween vent involves some of you parents. Look, I’m well-versed in narcissism, as I’ve often noted, but if you spend more time on your own costume than you do your child’s, well you need a fucking gut-check. I scan the social media photos and see way too much of this. Another predominant theme is the parent, usually a father, who refuses to “waste money” on a costume of his kid’s liking but then posts pics of his own newest 4-wheeler, boat, rifle or golf club. “Throw on some old jeans, a ball cap and Pop’s old flannel and call yourself a trucker, boy, Dad’s got his eye on some new hunting gear!”

There’s another installment of me tearing down all that is perceptively good in this world – you knew you could count on me. My hypocritical ass obviously takes part in these rituals while bitching quietly out of the corner of my mouth and loudly online. Stay tuned, T-Giving and X-mas are right around the corner!

How do you get a witch pregnant? You FUCK HER!!!...KMFP-out!

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