02

The hottest thing I’m seeing on social media these days is this “30-Days of Thankfulness” shit for the month of November, being that Thanksgiving falls within it and all. I got to thinking and thought I’d compile my list all at once and share it with you, my loyal readers. Following, and in no particular order or importance, is not necessarily THE list, or a complete list, but a list, nonetheless, of 30-things I’m definitely thankful for:

1. I am thankful for the female anatomy, first and foremost, and for all of the pleasures it has brought to my life. I’m talking all of it, head, shoulders, boobs and butts – boobs and butts. And most of all, that glorious treasure in the middle, and I’m not talking the naval. The V-spot has brought me life, children and the greatest face-warmer this twisted man has ever known.

2. Building on #1, I am thankful for the razor, and also not being raised in Eastern Europe, where women seem to have missed this advancement. I’m sort of a “bring back the bush” guy, not full-bore but a “landing strip” or late 80’s – early 90’s “controlled situation”, if you will. With that said, I’m thankful that American women use this simple creation on the rest of their beautiful bodies.

3. I thank you for the song “Thank You”, by Led Zeppelin. That’s really all that needs to be said on that.

4. I am thankful for the personality-loving woman, who appreciates laughter and the quick wit of a man who will keep her smiling. Without these creatures, I’d still be bopping the bologna to Pop’s old magazines. You don’t know how important you’ve been to me…

5. I am thankful for whipped cream, strawberries, a mildly abrasive rope, handcuffs, toys, a “safe word” and that broad who brought “Fifty Shades” to the masses.

6. I am thankful for crooked pinkies and the ability to lick my own forehead.

7. I am thankful for money, yep – money. Go ahead and tell me it “doesn’t buy happiness”, which definitely has a ring of truth to it, but then realize how happy you are to have the computer or phone you’re reading this on, the car you used to drive to get it, the warm home or paying employer at which you’re reading it at and the check that provides it all. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

8. I am thankful for panties. Chinese proverb: “panties not best thing on Earth…panties NEXT to best thing on Earth.”

9. I am thankful for the pitcher filling a spot in the batting order.

10. I am thankful for internet pornography, hand lotion and conditioner.

11. I am thankful that soccer can only be found if actually looking for it on television.

12. I am thankful that my father never introduced me to NASCAR, even possibly igniting the slightest interest in that shit.

13. I thank Vin Diesel, Chuck Norris and Mr. T for…well…Vin Diesel, Chuck Norris and Mr. T.

14. I am thankful not to be cursed with the discomfort of a large penis. What a HORRIBLE burden THAT must be for some of you poor fella’s to tote around every day!

15. I am thankful for my sense of humor, wit and ability to express the written word. Without these, I’d be in a basement somewhere, hopeless, womanless and shower-less, blasting the very idea that I HAVE any of these at the bottom of this column and various others that I’d troll and attack for my daily dose of “feel good”.

16. I am thankful for largemouth bass, crappie, catfish, and the ability to sometimes catch some of these bastards.

17. I am thankful for the “anti-Webster” and the following words: fuck, shit, ass, pussy, twat, cock, douche bag, horseshit, asshole, ‘Cleveland steamer’, and goddamned most of all.

18. I am thankful for some clueless (or not?) neighborhood women in my youth who neglected to close their window coverings completely.

19. I am thankful for the ’82, ’85, ’87, ’04, ’06 and ’11 St. Louis Cardinals, and I’d even throw in ’96 and ’12 for good measure, though the pain is still fresh for that last one.

20. I am thankful for the “Greatest Show on Turf”, now more than ever.

21. I am thankful for Jessica Biel, Mila Kunis, Scarlett Johansson, Amanda Seyfried, Chloe Sevigny and, sometimes, Uma Thurman and Juliette Lewis…DON’T judge me!

22. I am thankful for old, Outlaw Country, the REAL shit.

23. I am thankful for the original Star Wars Trilogy, E.T., The Breakfast Club, Vision Quest and anything Patrick Swayze has ever done, including “Next of Kin” and excluding “Too Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything”.

24. I am obviously thankful for the 1980’s, as well as my mullet and natural curls in the back, making the added cost of a perm unnecessary.

25. I am thankful for you bitches that shunned me in “East Side – West Side” at the skating rink, and the character and drive it instilled in me!

26. I am thankful for beach volleyball and the creator of indoor volleyball shorts, which my daughters will never wear. C’mon, if basketball can get away with looser ones, why must volleyball be so aerodynamic? I’m onto you…and appreciative.

27. I am thankful for the beauty of the unassisted double-play.

28. “Thank you, thank you…thank god for you the wind beneath my wings” – and Bette Midler.

29. I am thankful for revenge, the 2nd-most satisfying feeling in the world.


30. I am thankful for this outlet I have to share my bullshit musings, along with those of you who continue to follow them. This has served as therapy and a moderate source of “fun money”, which is icing on the proverbial cake.

There you have it, folks. Sure there are more and I’ve left out the obvious “family, kids, love, life” horseshit that is regurgitated by everyone else. I like to think “outside the box”, while my mind always remains INSIDE of it.

“Ain’t no shame to this game”…KMFP-out!


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