Marriages end every day and the reasons are many. “They” say that a little over half now end in divorce, though that statistic is highly inflated. Regardless, the importance it once held definitely wanes each year.

While I’m the LAST man who should be giving marriage advice, that’s never stopped me from vomiting my opinions on anything else you don’t necessarily want to hear about. Also, the “list” column is a writer’s “go-to”, if you will, and the easy way out. So fuck it, it’s Friday and I’m going to take a bit of a gimme’.

For those of you considering this leap, heed these words. And to those who’ve been there already, it’s never too late to take some advice.

1. This is probably the most important – DON’T let oral sex end with “I do”. This goes both ways but really more applies to you ladies, who seem to use the phrase as some sort of excuse for dereliction of duty. If you both keep going down, your marriage will only go up.

2. Do some fucking chores. This is for the men. We definitely have a tendency to loaf around and, regardless of being 2012 and most wives working just as much as their dudes, there seems to be a slight bit of that “old fashioned” in us that tells us certain things are “their job”. Yes, we mow the grass, tend to the cars and garage and lift heavy shit, but washing some dishes and pushing a vacuum around can go a long way with the wifey-pooh’s spirits.

3. NO JEALOUSY! This is very hard to maintain but is essential. If you can at least hide it, you’ll be shocked by how much it improves your relationship. A little, fun jealousy is okay now and then, to remind them you still feel their worth being jealous over, but having a digital leash on each other or flat out denying the right to have a life separate from the one together will only drive a wedge in your matrimony. If somebody’s going to fuck around, they’re going to fuck around. Constantly worrying yourself about it or incessantly accusing will only drive you crazy, and likely force the outcome.

4. Kiss each other. Kiss early, often and EVERY night before bed, regardless of what ridiculous goddamned argument you’ve been having all day.

5. Say “I love you”. Say it a lot, say it because you mean it and aren’t just going through the motions and, most importantly, say it where your children can hear you.

6. Treat each other in front of those kids the way you want them to grow to expect to be treated by whatever broad or dick-swinging asshole (yep, not looking forward to that) eventually longs for their hand.

7. Women everywhere pay for massages all the time. Why? Because we don’t fucking give them. It’s not some mystical art and you can do pretty close to as well as the gal at the parlor is doing for about $200-less. Plus, your massaging her very often leads to her massaging you…WITH HER VAGINA!

8. Keep sex spontaneous. Sure, with work, kids and the demanding schedules that life seems to throw our way, some “scheduled” dalliances are necessary. But, on the occasion the kids are with Grandma or you run into her bending over sorting shoes in the walk-in closet while it happens to be naptime, offer her an unexpected shoehorn. Passion has to continue or the marriage won’t.

9. Have dates. Not the food at the same place you always eat and 2-hours of some shitty vampire movie dates, those are for her friends. Be original and try new shit.

10. Don’t fart, piss or shit in front of one another, and don’t share a fucking toothbrush. The first three kill your attraction and the last one is just disgusting, regardless of where you otherwise accept each other’s mouths.

11. Talk.

12. TALK.

13. FUCKING TALK!! Communication is the essence of successful unions. The breakdown of it leads to the breakdown of every one of these other things. Quit communicating and you might as well hang your cock up in storage and start packing your shit, it’s the direction you’re heading.

14. I’m a vulgar asshole, so it’s only predictable that I end on such a note, but it also holds extremely true – FUCK. Fuck a lot, fuck like you did when you first started fucking, fuck in different positions, dirty places and now and then with the possibility of getting caught, bringing back some of those memories you had from the backseat fucking and parent’s basement days of your early fucking years. It’s hard to argue and be angry when you’re doing a lot of fucking. Fuck, people.

That’s it, the copout and easy-A of the “list” column. Hang this on your fridge, enjoy your weekend and go with #1 when all else fails.

Happily ever after…KMFP-out!

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