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My love for the vagina and all of its glory has been well documented…or perhaps an elaborate cover-up for my actual taste for the cock (hmm?). Regardless, we’ve once again been faced with inarguable evidence that this is the single most powerful device on the face of planet Earth.

Whether or not the life support systems (women) for these beautiful works of art are privy to the actual power they possess can be debated, but there is no debate of said power. It has taken down the likes of Adam (allegedly), Romeo, van Gogh’s ear, OJ Simpson (Innocent dammit!) and countless others.

The more powerful the man, the more powerless he seems to become. Had media been half as intrusive as today’s “standards”, JFK would’ve been felled by his slew of dalliances long before the bullets of multiple (yep) gunmen. Bill Clinton’s many escapades with the vertical smile were largely ignored until he waved his finger at us on national television, while using one as a cigar holder in the Oval Office. The “Northern Vag”, a gag reflex and some fat broad’s soiled dress were his ultimate demise (lest we forget he was impeached), but pussy pushed all of the buttons.

Yep, Presidents, CEO’s, Generals and scholars, along with the menial likes of us everyday citizens, have had their lives and careers destroyed by the seemingly unavoidable allure of the female loins. We may “run the world”, but make no mistake about who pulls the strings, and more than just once a month…yep, that was bad.

Moving on, we’ve now got a tangled web of pussy and power wrapping itself around the highest levels of national security, while also providing a convenient distraction to the Benghazi debacle. The head of the CIA felt obliged to not only share his cock with a writer 20+ years his junior, but also important, sensitive information in the process.

Fuck water boarding, give “Vagina boarding” a try. And that’s right – from this point forward I’m capitalizing that word, giving it the respect it has damned sure earned. Send a group of properly equipped interrogators down to Guantanamo Bay and drip one of those on the foreheads of bearded extremists and you’ll get more inside information in 7-minutes than the last 3-administrations combined have been able to acquire in 12-years, though the current one has a preference for soft talk and apologetic glad-handing, but I digress.

From the time a boy is 11-years old until what I suspect will be his death (I’ll let you know), ALL of his decisions are somehow affected by the glorious allure of the once-bearded clam. It starts as simply as “how long will I shower?” and “conditioner or shampoo?” and soon creeps into his wardrobe choices and elective classes he opts for.

As life progresses, it may dictate our college and career choice, not to mention what shit-ass corner of the county we may be willing to follow some glorious split-tail back to. We spend ¼-of our lives chasing it and then, for those of us burdened with daughters, the other ¾-protecting it from the likes of what we used to be.

Grooming, hygiene and wardrobe are all COMPLETELY guided by the quest for pussy. Why else would these girly “metrosexuals” of today pay $52-for haircuts, wear fucking “skinny jeans” and shave every inch of their goddamned bodies already? I sure as shit hope it’s the allure of a woman, and apparently the quest to also LOOK like one. If you’re doing that because you actually like it, I have an entirely new set of concerns.

These “Bieber-cuts” and busy-ass, Affliction and designer T-shirts of douche-dom being sported everywhere are no different than the mullets, “box heads” and denim jackets of my youth…well, okay, they’re still FAR douchier, but you get the point.

Women are why we take daily showers and check our ass in the mirror of the changing room at Kohl’s (I’m old). Otherwise, we’d smell like chicken liver, while wearing nothing but old jeans, pit-stained shirts and ball caps, which is coincidentally my wardrobe, explaining a lot.

The Great Vagina will make you use body spray, body wash and even, for the love of Vin Diesel…FROST YOUR HAIR – GASP!!! As far as the Luffa, Kia Soul or GQ Magazine, I have no logical explanation for any of these anomalies and don’t wish to waste further words on them. Even women think that those are gay…not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Long live the Labia…KMFP-out!


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