20

Boy, am I having a shitty end of the year. The Cardinals bats go comatose at the worst of times, Barack Obama is somehow reelected (currently working on my conspiracy theories) and now, driving the stake a little further into my bag of beans, Chuck-forsaken Notre Dame, second only to the Dallas Cowboys in fake allegiance, fair-weather and other “fans” who have no idea why they like them other than popularity or “cool kid” status, has assumed the #1 ranking in college football for the first time since 1993.

Sure, my family is good, I’m successful (for now) and the rest of them are healthy, but you know I can find fault with Santa Claus – and actually a shit-ton of it with that fat bastard, but that’s here nor there. I always have to have room in my life for misery and, on this particular week, the Fucking Fighting Irish are it.

I hate them because I’m Irish and that pisses me off. I hate them because EVERYBODY else loves them, at least in high times, and has no idea why. I hate them because they were on television EVERY GODDAMNED SATURDAY, even while they sucked, simply because of their name. I hate their boring-ass (you say “traditional”) uniforms, Joe Fucking Montana – highly overrated in his own right, and their “media darling” status that requires them to lead any broadcast, provided nobody on the Yankees farted or Jerry Jones didn’t speak.

I hate them because of the fact that the movie “Rudy” makes you feel good under the false pretense that half of it isn’t actually utter bullshit. I hate that I hate them enough to spend a Monday night writing far too many words on them. And, most of all, I hate that I have to discover all of these up-until-now, unknown “loyal” fans.

Look, I barely pay attention to any football anymore, college or pro, aside from a few highlights, recaps and box scores. Call it revocation of my man-card, age or what have you, but you can count on one hand how many times I’ve watched a game in its’ entirety in the last 5-years, Super Bowls and National Championships included. The shit just ain’t for me anymore. I’m a baseball guy, with hockey being next, and I think my views on NASCAR and soccer have been more than expounded upon.

Even with my faltering attention to all things football, I still get that “warm fart in the cracks” feeling to see losses by Notre Dame, the aforementioned Cowboys and the tainted, white uniforms of Penn State. And before you jump on that bullshit, I fully understand that the athletes weren’t to blame. But if rooting against their football team, FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY, makes people feel a little better about that child-raping asshole rotting in jail and his filthy protectors somehow living with themselves (at least most of them – too soon?), so be it. Besides, I never liked that team in the first place.

The point is that I cannot turn on the TV or radio, go to work or logon to social media without hearing the mouth-fucking of sports anchors or incessant boasting of the 2nd-most obnoxious fans in college football (congrats Ohio State). And goddammit I love my Facebook – you all are fucking that shit straight up and it is NOT to be toiled with I tell you!

For years we’ve put up with the absolutely nauseating fawning over the Yankees and Cowboys, despite their lack of any recent success, and now the Irish are back to join their cohorts. I guess at least they’ve got reason to be in the conversation, for a change and for the time being, but it doesn’t make it any less repulsive to hear.

“We’re #1, we’re #1!”

Yep, you sure are. Number-1 in years of overrated television exposure, #1 in hype that will end in disappointment and #1 in ruining my goddamned week, which I’m glad I could please you with to close this thing.

Nothing gets old like the blue and gold…KMFP-out!


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