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It’s Thanksgiving, and since most aren’t working, I imagine most aren’t reading (not that that’s any different). I’ve decided to keep it simple, celebrate the holiday, and yet remind you that I’m still one twisted fuck.

Here is some KMFP-oetry for your feast tonight. Feel free to use as a toast around the family table.

With apologies to Charlie Daniels:


TOM TURKEY WENT DOWN TO PLYMOUTH (the turkey’s revenge)

Tom Turkey roamed down to Plymouth to change his family’s luck
He’d make amends for loss of kin, and didn’t give a fuck
He came upon this Pilgrim, packing powder into his gun
Tom pulled a knife on the Pilgrim’s wife, and said “boy, let’s have some fun”

I bet you didn’t know it but I’m a musket shooter too
And if you care to take a dare, I’ll make a bet with you
You Quaker fucks have killed my brethren for the final time I’ll bet my back against your crack, I’m here to take what’s mine

The man said “I’m Elias, please keep my wife’s heart pure"
Tom replied, “sorry to misguide – but who said a thing about her?”

Elias, tamp your gunpowder and shoot your musket straight
If you want your village to have turkey on their plate
If you win, you’ll all be eating ‘til you’ve had enough
But if you lose, it’s you who will be stuffed

Elias picked his musket up and said “I’m shooting first”
You could see the nerves, from the thoughts of his brown cherry being burst
He drew the gun up for a shot and he gave his wife a kiss
Locked on the target, pulled the trigger and POW-BAM-BANG…miss

When Elias finished, Tom laughed and said “all I have to do is score”
“Then come nightfall, in front of all, you’ll be my turkey whore”

Shots in the valley, run, men – run
Turkey’s on the mountain loading his gun
Elias and his wife’s face flushed with tears
Hoping that his knees won’t touch his ears

Tom took his shot and, wouldn’t you just know, he hit his mark
And the townsfolk gathered ‘round, as the sky grew still and dark
He said, “This serves as warning you’ve had your final turkey dish”
“Now touch your toes, you son of a gun…and be my turkey bitch”

Screams in the valley “no, PLEASE – NO!”
“Keep your gobbler out my hole!”
Tom fucked that Pilgrim ‘til he broke
And Plymouth became Vegan folk…

What will you be eating today? Happy Thanksgiving and thanks for your support and readership.

Gobble, gobble, motherfuckers…KMFP-out!



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