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Today is “Black Friday”. Sure, some have already began this inane process by foregoing your families early on Thanksgiving for the opportunity to pitch a goddamned tent on a cold sidewalk, power walk through crowded aisles and fight off assholes for the chance to grab a fucking television or gaming system for $40-cheaper than normal. I call these people “idiots”, for the record.

Let me tell you about Black Friday. First of all, it’s fucking racist. I mean, why does it have to be “Black” Friday? Why not “White Wednesday”, “Tan Tuesday”, “Mongolian Monday” or “Hogging Saturday”? Sorry about that last one – got off on a tangent and it actually existed in college. Anyway, I’m obviously kidding but thought I’d throw it out there for you sensitive, politically correct fucks in this ever-increasing, pussified world we now live in.

I don’t remember this Black Friday as a child and I’m not sure when it actually started. My Ma sure as shit never left right after Thanksgiving dinner to stand in line to score me an Atari for 1/3-the normal price or Betamax for my Pop. One, she couldn’t afford it, and two; she would’ve surely cut a bitch.

The Mr. T forsaken commercial abomination that is Christmas just not so subtly keeps swallowing the rest of our holidays. Thanksgiving was one of the few, while still based on bullshit, that was at least more about family, food and friends than materialistic crap and cock measuring, but this Black Friday nonsense made quick work of that. Women are shoving turkey down our skulls as quick as they possibly can so that they can gear up and meet their trove of like-minded, and I mean that as kindly as possible, female cohorts in a violent and mindless exercise of excess.

These same women think we’re idiots when begging for an increase in allowance when a nice driver, fishing rod or shotgun goes on sale. Well at least we don’t have to spend the night outside to get it or forego the rent to hang it on the wall to watch Doctor Fucking Phil on it. You’re also not likely to see us posting photographs of said purchase in various stages of the transaction with “here it is on the shelf, last one!”, “me in line, CRAZY!” or “GOT IT, (SMILEY FACE EMOTICON)!” narrating the action.

I’ve beaten this dead crack-head before, but a lot of the same people who allot cigarette money over field trips and a night out over the electric bill can be found at Walmart tomorrow at 3:30-AM spending what they don’t have on a new phone that sends and receives texts faster while driving.

Sure, I’m an asshole; this has been well-established and frequently substantiated. But a true self-evaluation would reveal the greed and selfishness that goes into this futile partaking in retail fishing. They’ve chummed the water and you all are fish in the proverbial barrel.

That reminds me, where are all those filthy “Occupy” fucks and their cardboard signs for this bullshit? I’ll tell you where – back in aisle-11 in a slap fest with some other Nancy over the latest release of “Call of Duty” or whatever the fuck they play to avoid real life. They have no problem with corporate greed or the so-called “1%” when they’re feeding them alternatives to their miserable lives.

I’m a bitter old, crusty fuck who would rather pay $1.50-more for milk at the gas station down the road than drive 7-miles to a grocery store and dodge lard-asses in motorized shopping carts clogging up aisles, while incessantly gabbing on their cell phones, to put it in perspective. I realize I’m not the “every man” and I’m very, VERY thankful for that. I’ll pay the $10-extra for groceries before I ever make the mistake of fighting the “spend $50/save $10” crowd again in my life. It’s just not worth it to me.

The day that I open up the Thanksgiving newspaper and see an ad that Target will be opening at midnight to sell off the soiled panties of Elisha Cuthbert, Jessica Biel, Jennette McCurdy (don’t judge me!) and Amanda Seyfried, then – AND ONLY THEN, will you find me dishing out elbows, insults and broken noses to be first in fucking line. Until then, you’re all fucking nuts.

Christmas is swallowing up the rest of the year like it’s Jenna Jameson in an Army barracks and you’re all just jumping into the fray. I say shame on you, SHAME on the lot of you!

Is this what Jesus wanted...KMFP-out!


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