posted on December 13, 2012 08:00
The digital, social media world is well upon us and there is no further proof needed than some recent developments. Yep, just when I thought I was the last one to sign up (and still don’t really get it), HCIC (Head Catholic in Charge) himself, The Pope, has now joined Twitter – true story. The rest of this, however, likely isn’t.
Let me start by saying that if I haven’t offended you before, this will likely do the trick. WARNING: If you are devoutly Catholic, hypocritically Catholic or Catholic without a sense of humor and small degree of sick-mindedness, than this column probably isn’t for you – not that many have been.
Just wanted to throw out that disclaimer so you can’t say you weren’t warned before venturing forward and submitting hateful, damning or preaching comments.
For the rest of you sick fucks – ENJOY!
Pope’s Recent Tweets (140-characters be damned):
"Hey world – follow me @thePope_bitches”
“I ‘tweeted’ Sister Dorothy last night – is this some sort of sin…?”
“Added 3-sits, 1-kneel and 2-stands to mass…just to fuck with folks”
@jerry_sandusky: Should’ve joined the seminary…am I right – huh, huh? Giggity-Giggity-Goo!
“Someone blow the dust off of my Notre Dame sweatshirt…”
“Crazy Saturday y’all; dipped my balls in the sacrament and pissed in the holy water – note to self: ‘NO MORE WHISKEY!”
@RNC: Mormon…really? What did ya’ THINK would happen? Three words – Irish Fucking Catholic. JFK anybody?
“And you thought the Baptists didn’t ‘recognize’ each other in titty bars…”
“For the last time, it’s NOT homosexual if he was under 14 and you were clergy! Why is this so unclear, people?!”
@BoyScoutsofAmerica: call me…I know a GREAT lawyer
“I sometimes substitute in the confessional…just for the vicarious thrill.”
“Mary Magdalene was a Kardashian”
@Congregational_leadership: Tithing is down, up the “going to Hell” scare tactics this Sunday
“Scientology called…wants to give Tom Cruise back”
“Pitched ‘Vatican City’ pilot to MTV (ala ‘Jersey Shore) – G.T.H. – ‘Gym, Tan, Hypocrisy’, fist-pumping Hail Mary’s and D.T.F...I.T.M.P.S.B.C.D.P.O.O.S.O.E.H.D.S.P.T.M. – ‘Down To Fornicate in the Missionary Position, Sans Birth Control, Deviate Practices of Oral Sex or Ever Having Done So Prior to Marriage’ anyone?”
“Off to kick a bad habit (date with a masochistic nun)”
@tmckernan: We miss you…
“Scheduled a trip to Colorado (FREE THE WEED!)…but NOT Washington state – fags are marrying there you know!!”
“Phew, sure wiggled my way out of that whole ‘The Da Vinci Code’ uproar a few years back – yeah me”
“Sent undercover staff member to ‘Pawn Stars’ with my ring – they called it fake and low-balled an offer. Pack some ice, you shady fuckers!”
@AHitler: You had nothing on Catholicism…6-million – P’SHAW!
“Vatican meeting minutes (1,000’s of years ago): ‘Next order of business, stale bread disposal’… EUREKA!”
“Office incentive: Masturbation passes to this week’s best ‘hide profanity in sermon’ submission!”
“I go ‘commando’ under this robe…holla’-holla’!”
@Tebow @Pujols: Do you really think HE gives 2-shits about touchdowns or homeruns…YOU’RE GODDAMNED RIGHT HE DOES!
“I let the ‘bubble boy’ borrow the Pope-mobile in 1975 – stain’s still there”
“Yes, Glen, I DO wear a funny hat”
“Pope turning in for the night – remember, love thy fellow man…unless he’s Muslim, Protestant, Jewish or, God forbid…QUEER!”
@theKMFP: If we’re right about this “God” thing…you, sir, are FUCKED!
I’d be tempted to “follow” this guy if I actually thought he had anything to do with managing his own account. The idea of him even accidentally seeing something I’ve written gives me a chub just thinking about it. The Pope “re-tweets” some of my shit, now that would be classic!
Another nail in my Hell-bound coffin…KMFP-out!
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