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With the few achievements as I’ve had in life, you celebrate the small ones. Today is one of those small ones. Disregarding the 3-columns I submitted in the “competition” phase, or the one that was actually shelved during my tenure, you are about to read KMFP-Column #100, since moving from Cardinals writer to daily columnist and, more importantly, GETTING PAID.

I know, I know, settle down, remove your dick from your hand and compose yourself. While it is a monumental occasion, your thumb in your ass at 8:00-am on a Friday will only land you in Human Resources, big fella’.

I come as humbly as humanly possible, for the likes of me, and thank you, my loyal, and even not so loyal, or occasional readers, for your support. The hardest part of this is coming up with 4-topics per week that will engage the reader, make them think a little bit, or just make them laugh, all while doing so in an honest manner. This isn’t even asked of most “career” columnists.

I, however, am lucky (or unlucky) enough to have one of those twisted, racing minds that rarely leaves me searching for topics. I type how I feel, and how I talk, and I thank those who accept me for that. I’m often offensive but so is life. If we can accept that and still respect our differences, while bonding on our likenesses, the world carries on a little smoother.

Quit being so goddamned sensitive about every little joke or slight that you feel was directed your way and laugh at the fact that these things all bear a smidgeon of truth, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

There is absolutely nobody I’ve ever read or coexisted with who hasn’t offended or pissed me off at some point in our relationship. If you can honestly say you’ve nodded your head in agreement to every little thing that I’ve written in 6-months, you’ve got some serious problems. Unoriginality is the biggest letdown of life.

I’ve covered such “no-no’s” as race, religion, homosexuality and politics, and I’ve done so openly and with nary a filter. We have to be true to who we are, regardless of the negative affect that may have on others. I wholeheartedly believe that this is what makes my writing attractive to those who have come on board, regardless of the number.

If you’ve read at least half of what I’ve regurgitated, there is close to a 0%-chance that I’ve not pissed off or offended each and every one of you, at one point or another. You may have rolled along for weeks, seemingly on board with every overwritten paragraph, when suddenly – BAM…a joke about Jesus’ furry ball-bag sends you reeling or my disdain for lard-asses clogging up my grocery aisle hits a little too close to home. Next thing you know, you’re hitting Grandma in the neck with the thin side of your laptop and heading for the downtown insideSTL.com offices, calling for my head.

I don’t aim to piss you off, but it’s a reality. Reaction and disagreement are healthy and what make our hearts beat. I hope I’ve angered you, but that also means I’ve made you think. Think about just how big this shithole of a world is and that we can all share it, regardless of our differences of opinion.

People who are comfortable in their own skin can adamantly disagree with something I’ve written, to the point of disgust or anger, yet still return because they respect the honesty and humor, as well as the fact that we’re all different creatures.

Those recoiling the hardest are often those who are most uncomfortable in their daily dealings, or live in the biggest of hypocrisy. They could benefit from some blatant honesty and self-reflection, but who the fuck am I to say so. Answer – nobody, but I still do.

My columns have expressed how I THINK you should be living, working and raising your children and often done so with the temperament of some condescending asshole. All the while, I have arguably the thinnest skin around when it comes to criticism...yet still encourage it.

Please continue to read and, if moved in one direction or the other, voice your comments or column suggestions at the bottom. I’m obviously a genius, with an endless abyss of pertinent topics, but even my well runs dry every once in a while.

I have the “POWER” to delete commentary but have never chosen to do so. I may reply in a 9-year old tantrum, hypocritically nullifying every preaching comment I’ve written about thick skin, but I usually return to earth and am still grateful for your readership.

Love me, hate me or somewhere in between, but I honestly thank each and every one of you for choosing to click, whether this be the first time or you’ve been along for all 100. I readily welcome adamant disagreement, honest argument and tongue-bathing praise. I’ll even entertain the message board trolls, fishing solely for critique and the obvious confrontation, of which I’m weak enough to occasionally bite on.

My own mother has summed me up best, without even meaning to. At different points in my life she has told me I was “the strongest man she’s ever known”, and also that “it is possible for me to love you…but not like you” – perfect and oh, SO true.

I am horribly longwinded, offensive and overuse commas, dashes and quotation marks to the point of nausea. I beat the proverbial “dead horses” and repeat my pop culture references, but goddamned it, I think I’m funny…and hope you do as well.

Whatever your reasoning may be, keep reading and keep me writing. It honestly serves as therapy to me and has been an incredible release for which I am greatly thankful. Yes, this is sad, but it makes an aging “has-been” or “never-was” like me a happy, old codger.


If you religiously laugh at each column I pen, and look forward to it like morning wood, or are just an occasional reader who can take or leave me…but still occasionally takes me, I sincerely thank you all and ask you to keep coming, keep spreading the word to your friends and coworkers, and jump on my Facebook and Twitter train. Here’s to 100 and hoping for many more.

Another REAL MAN gone, “Stormin’ Norman” rest in peace…KMFP-out!

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