posted on January 04, 2013 00:00
Not gonna’ miss a beat on this dead horse of New Year’s column opportunities and will go ahead and surf this one into shore to end the week. Yesterday you got my resolutions for 2013, today you get my predictions.
First and foremost, “Buckwild” will be my newest favorite train wreck-television programming, brought to you by the genius of the VH1/MTV network, and I have no shame about this. I look forward to watching young, drunken, West Virginian hill-jacks alternate between fucking on dingy mattresses, and being dragged on them through the hollers by some big-wheeled pickup. Yee-fucking-hah!!!!
A young Indian (dots, not feathers) will win the National Spelling Bee, the NBA Championship will be won by a team composed predominantly of black men, a Kenyan will win some marathons, the NASCAR Championship will be won by a team composed predominantly of white men, and whatever the fuck soccer’s big prize is will be won by a bunch of homos, not that there’s anything wrong with that…or that anybody will care.
Ryan Seacrest will finally leave the closet, quickly followed by the other two Ryan’s – Reynolds and Gosling – and shortly thereafter be caught by TMZ cameras in a gay threesome that is so hot and attractive that a unicorn in Utopia, AND an orphan child in Ethiopia, simultaneously combust as a result of its’ sheer magnitude.
Pregnancy will enlarge Kim Kardashian’s ass to the point of registering for an area and zip code, while her child gains prominence for being the first human being to actually come OUT of her vagina. By the way, Kanye, “I’m happy for you and I’mma let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best babies of all time, y’all...ONE OF THE BEST OF ALL TIME!”
Nickelback will put out another top-10 album, of which they will mysteriously sell millions of copies DESPITE the fact that everybody claims not to listen to them.
Sam Bradford will have another so-so season, seemingly stuck in idle, while 1/3-of St. Louis claims he’s worse than Tony Banks, another third claim he’d be the next Peyton Manning if he just “had some receivers to throw to” and the final third will blame Tony La Russa.
The insideSTL.com message board will shut down and companies throughout St. Louis, along with the homes of parents with adult children, will experience a sudden increase in productivity.
Daniel Tosh and Rob Dyrdek will sign up for an installment of “Celebrity Boxing” that, upon commencing, will quickly escalate into a slap-fest, finally ending up with both participants on the canvas in a passionate scissoring.
Kei$ha will release a shitty album, Nicolas Cage will release a shitty action film and Adam Sandler will release a REALLY shitty comedy. These are not predictions, these are facts.
Tim Tebow will lose his precious virginity when he finally realizes that he has more opportunity at fucking than quarterbacking. He will become approximately the 27th-person that Taylor Swift has “dated” in the last year and a half, yet somehow remains America’s sweetheart and dodges the slut label she so truly deserves.
This website’s wonderful CEO (my lips to your ass), Timothy Michael McKernan, will end up in a highly publicized bidding war with The Riverfront Times to retain the services of KMFP, with Random House coming in as a late entry and offering millions for my memoirs.
“Two And A Half Men”, “How I Met Your Mother”, “The Big Bang Theory” and “Mike & Molly” will ALL inexplicably continue to air without any evidence of actual humor existing in the scripts of the lot of them. A shit-ton of you will sit on your sofas and still laugh.
One Direction will shock nobody in announcing that they actually go in TWO directions.
Uncle Si will continue to be, HANDS DOWN, the most captivating person on television, or otherwise, despite the over-the-top scripting of the “reality” show he graces and its’ ever-increasing unwatchable nature…JACK!
A washed up, soft-tossing pitcher, midget of a 2nd-baseman and the most awkward-looking outfielder (not named Willie McGee) to ever lace up a pair of baseball cleats, will spark the San Francisco Giants back from a 3-1 deficit to the St. Louis Cardinals in the NLCS and go on to sweep the Detroit Tigers out of the World Series…oops, my bad…FUUUUUUCCCCCCKKK that still hurts!
Here’s to swimmin’ with bow-legged women…KMFP-out!
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