posted on January 25, 2013 08:00
The Vladimir Tarasenko era has begun in St. Louis. After two and a half years of waiting, Blues fans are finally seeing why general manager Doug Armstrong traded 2009 first round pick David Rundblad to the Ottawa Senators in exchange for the 16th pick in the 2010 NHL Draft so he could nab Tarasenko.
The Non Bearded Russian Jesus has been everything as advertised since the shortened season began last Saturday. In front of 20,035 parishioners, Tarasenko’s first sermon against the Detroit Red Wings was one that will not be soon forgotten. Six minutes and thirty six seconds into the service, Tarasenko read a passage from the book of Vova 9:1. It states: “Thou shalt not let thee Non Bearded Russian Jesus sneak behind thy defense lest thou want to be scored upon."
Tarasenko then took a break and came back out for the second part of the service. He delivered a powerful message 29 seconds into it. Again, he read from the book of Vova 9:1. It states: “And then the Red Wings defenseman Kyle Quincey tried to poke thy puck away from my grasp. I proceeded to undress him and make him look like a fool as I skated by him and roofed the puck over thy shoulder of one Jimmy Howard.”
Tarasenko was rewarded with the number one star of the sermon. He then took his preachings on the road to Nashville two days later. In front of 17,113 non believers, the Short Haired Non Bearded Russian Jesus once again drove home a message ten minutes into the service that made the parishioners believers. Vova 9:1 states: “You’ve seen what I can do when I drive to the net. I then showed the mere mortal Pekke Rinne what happens when you allow Me to shoot a wrister from the right circle.”
Last night, in front of 16,047 of his home church parishioners, Tarasenko read a passage with about 11 minutes left in the sermon. “And then I came off the bench on a line change and my disciple Alexander Steen fed me the puck in the slot to which I victimized the mere mortal Pekke Rinne for the second time this week.”
Tarasenko’s sermons thus far have been celebrated with rave reviews. Here is what some of His own followers have been saying.
"You look at Tarasenko and he did some special things," follower Christopher Stewart said. "You can tell He's going to be a special player in this league for a long time."
And this from follower Timothy Leif Oshie:
“He's the complete package."
The church elders also gave Tarasenko a ringing endorsement.
"He wants to learn," Elder Ken Hitchcock said. "He wants to be a part of this team and He wants to be part of a line. He wants to please the veteran players. Andy and Steener are going to nurture Him. They were on the bench working with Him. He's going to be a really good player in this league but He is also a really good kid."
As long as Tarasenko keeps delivering these inspirational messages, He will be a mainstay in St. Louis for years to come. This has already been evidenced by the number of parishioners who are wearing his #91 jerseys all over town. Contrary to popular belief, Tarasenko does not give out hockey puck shaped wafers and mini Stanley Cups filled with wine during His communions. At least not yet.
He, His followers, and the elders have promised to do everything in their power to deliver the Holy Grail to St. Louis. I for one, cannot wait to see that day because I like to picture my Non Bearded Russian Jesus hoisting the Holy Grail wearing a Voltron shirt, acid wash jeans, and a cabbie hat. Tarasenko be praised.