09

Dear Gary,

Today will be the fourth straight day that you and the NHL owners meet with the NHL Players Association. Have you finally come to the realization that you aren’t going to win this little contest of who has the biggest dong? You and the owners have found out that this isn’t your daddy’s NHLPA of 1994-95 and 2004-05. This time, the players have Donald “I’m going to kick your ass and take your wallet” Fehr as their executive director.

Here’s the thing Gary. I have been watching the NHL for 25 years. I love the game of hockey. I grew up watching the likes of Sutter, Federko, Gilmour, Ramage, and Millen. These are guys you have probably never heard of because you don’t seem to know shit about anything. My late father hated the sport because he felt it was nothing more than barbarians beating the crap out of each other with sticks. I worked on the man for years until he finally became a casual fan. In the last few years of his life, I actually got him to attend games with me. He would never admit it, but he liked watching it.

Unfortunately, your dumb ass came along and ruined what was once a great sport. Since you relived Gil Stein back in 1993, three lockouts have occurred on your watch. Five teams have relocated. You have these silly assed shootouts where the victorious team gets two points and the losing team gets ONE. Gary, do away with the effing shootouts okay?. You want to make the game exciting? Quit awarding a point to each team at the end of regulation. Go back to the old days where either the team that wins in sudden death overtime gets two points and the losing team gets none, or both teams tie in overtime and they each get a point. No team should be rewarded for losing.

Now I will give you credit for the Winter Classic. That is my New Year’s Day version of watching football on Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, I won’t get to see that this year because you and the owners decided to play this little game of chicken with the NHLPA and they called your bluff. Remember the scene in Star Wars: A New Hope where Luke Skywalker gets accosted in the Mos Eisley Cantina by the guy with the ball sack mouth and the other guy with the pig nose? Pig nose proceeds to tell Luke that he and ball sack mouth don’t like him. Well Gary, that’s how I feel about you.

Gary, get this damn thing done. If you lose another full season like you did back in 2004-05, then do us hockey fans all a favor and quit. I’m tired of your smug ass thinking that your sport is Jesus Christ and we the fans will keep coming back to worship because we can’t live without hockey. Trust me when I say that I can live without hockey. I can find other things to spend my money on like all five seasons of Charles In Charge on DVD. Either we have a season Gary or I’m calling your office and all you will hear one the other end of the phone is “New boy in the neighborhood…….”

Sincerely,

Andrew Portico

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