J Carnage posted on April 28, 2009 02:11
With two week-long homestands in the books, the Cards have begun settling into the 2009 campaign. Meanwhile, we fans are slowly getting a feel for what can be expected out of our makeshift rotation, and our 3-4-5 hitters all while coming to grips with the fact that nary a concession stand no longer sells the much coveted 20 oz (three inning) draft beer.
You’ve also probably made your way down to Busch at least once so far this season and plan on doing so countless other times in the next five months. While the humidity, your choice of red attire and your patience for sports service employees is sure to change, I’d like to remind of one variable that should always be referenced and adhered to before making the trek to Spruce Street.
That, of course, is your extra ticket chain of command. Here is a detailed look at 
the litany of options facing you when bestowed with such a blessing this season.
Option 1: Your best friend. A no brainer obviously, he (or she for my loyal and lovable female readership) is always clutch in day-of-game agreement. This person does not ask the unnecessary questions relating to seat assignment or what should be worn. He understands his role in being ready on time, buying the first round of beers and acknowledging your superiority in Cardinal speak and the importance there within. Most importantly he knows that his verbal commitment is an obligation for post-game spirits until YOU decide the night should end.
Option 2: One of your many ‘level two’ friends. When the one seed has a prior obligation or knows that you don’t accept a ‘prior obligation’ as an excuse and thus screens your phone call, these friends take the call. Though sometimes you have to insure these friends that the seats are decent and that you won’t sit through a two hour rain delay, they are an important resource nonetheless. Since it is likely this friend and you will only sit together once or twice throughout the season, these opportunities are crucial in determining if this friend is even worthy of such a high seeding. Occasionally you can also trick this friend into saying that these seats were scalped and thus multiple beverages shall be provided. Also, tricking this friend into wearing jorts is acceptable and par for the course.
Option 3: Tier three friend, perfect for the midweek day game. An invitation to this friend says ‘hey, I bet you never thought I would call you when I had an extra ticket, but I’m guessing you can at least try to enjoy baseball, even if my fears that you’ll start (much less join) the wave come to fruition.’ Beware that this friend may indeed need directions to the ballpark and a reminder that there are no ‘points’ in this sport. Any friend that takes his/her shirt off at family functions/wedding qualifies for this slot.
Option 4: Girl. Yes, even yours truly knows when its time to dial down the antics, put on a shirt with no residue of your last trip to Busch and bring the lady out in public. This invitation works best when the first three options have failed and you’re 
pretty confident in the fact none of your other friends are already attending the game in other seats (and thus likely to woo to you into post game revelry at a casino, gentlemen’s club or impromptu street brawl with visiting fans.)
Option 5: Dad. Hey, more power to you if your pops can hang, buuuuuuuuuuuuut just be prepared for inquires into weather forecasts and traffic and parking strategies. Not to mention the many raised eyebrows that will result from your fourth inning buzz, use of profanity and your constant obsession with wondering how to fake your age and still quality to one day be a Cardinal bat boy.
Option 6: Undeserving sibling. We’ve all faced the fear of sitting next to your sister at a game and getting shown on kiss cam, but this can still be advantageous when compared with attending a game with your brother who may wear a suit to the game and feel the need to remind you that ‘nobody worth a damn’ reads your weekly column. All hypothetical examples here, of course.
Option 7: Mom. Nothing makes up for years of forgotten Mother’s day cards, flowers and phone calls like treating the women that brought you into this world to a ballgame. This option is perfect for receiving tickets in some sort of gas station scratch off, church picnic raffle or when we’re playing Washington. If anything, it allows for at least a two week sabbatical from Sunday phone calls detailing the progress of her garden.
Just don’t expect any invites from anyone else on this list if they hear of this.
J Carnage may just have written himself out of several wills this week. Growing, loving and forgiving families are encouraged to reach out to him at JCarnage24@yahoo.com