posted on June 01, 2012 11:30
First off, I apologize for the week off, not that any of you noticed. Apparently somebody in Obama’s camp caught wind of my work and I did some freelancing to write him a few speeches. They wanted to see if he could read “fuck”, “shit” and “prison wallet” off of the teleprompter as seamlessly as he can “hope”, “change” and “fifty-seven states”.
He’s like Ron Burgundy with that thing and you can walk him into anything. Problem is, he comes off just as phony spewing my babble as he does when he tries to bullshit us all about job creation, so now I’m back. I’ll get to the baseball, as that was quite a stretch just to shove my political leanings down your deep throats, but it’s my column bitches, and November is right around the corner.
The 2012 version of the St. Louis Cardinals have turned out to be nothing short of a slow pitch men’s team at Wolff’s Softball Haven on a Wednesday night. They score in bunches, but without the ability to keep the other team from doing so as well, it becomes a race to the end and our often hapless bullpen keeps losing that race. It doesn’t help that 1-of every 5-starters through the rotation seems to get beyond the 6th inning, but these are still professional arms out there that should be able to pitch to a few batters a night and be somewhat affective.
People love to play the injury card but that’s utter bullshit. While it’s bitten the team harder than a homeless man’s face (too soon?), the fact is that virtually everybody who’s been plugged in the lineup has contributed in place of the walking wounded. The team has still averaged over 5-runs/game and is more offensive than Carpe Douche Bag preaching about integrity, humility and Jesus out of the same eluding, arrogant cesspool of a mouth that’s attached to one of the most vile, condescending pricks of a human being to stagger across the Applebee’s bar area…but I digress.
True, there have been obvious missed RBI opportunities in some crucial moments, as well as more than a few ugly defensive lapses. Speaking of which, can they quit with this “defensive shift” bullshit now? The paper runs an article about it, they get even more unorthodox and it backfires in 2-consecutive games, one very costly. Play the odds people. Unless the stats say that Joe Lefty pulls the ball on 97.5% of his swings, the only thing these infielders should be shifting is their twig and berries at precisely the moment the TV camera locks in on them for a close-up.
Regardless of that stuff, pitching is still the predominant reason for the May swoon. Fernando Salas is back in the Minors, Jason Motte has thrown less strikes of late than a suddenly not-so-cocky UAW workforce and Marc Rzepczynski has been more “Risk” than his nickname of “Scrabble” this season.
They just sent down two guys named Chuckie Fick and Brandon Dickson, who may as well have been Phillip Hurrectum and Peter Goesinia for all I know. The only upside to that Fick fella’ could’ve been the type-o potential for those in the “standard media” who don’t have the luxury of the editing staff equivalent of “Swank” magazine that I am blessed with here.
Maikel Cleto was called up to see if he could bring some stability to the pen, and possibly, I suspect, because the Cardinals were dangerously close to receiving a “too many Caucasians on the roster” fine. Seriously, this team is whiter than a Lesterville float trip these days. Is this a concerted effort and the sinister work of John Mozeliak? Fuck no; I just like to stir the pot.
Believe it or not, however, there are crazies around who’ve made such accusations of the game as a whole. Don’t bother to look at it logically and deduce that it’s far more likely to grow up playing games in the inner city that only require a concrete slab and one kid on the block to have a ball than one that needs 9-gloves, a bat and ball and a place the city actually puts some money in to grow grass and keep safe for children. DOH, there I go letting my mind veer from dick jokes and F-bombs again, I apologize.
Hopefully in a week I’ll be cussing my way to much more positive paragraphs as St. Louis begins their foray into the atrocity that is interleague play. And hopefully these pitchers start recording outs at the same pace that The Grateful Dead recorded absolutely shitty music.
Off to read “Fifty Shades of Grey” while thumbing my own ass with a gimp mask on…KMFP-out!
Fans of KMFP – join me at the new “The Card Room with KMFP” Network on lockerdome.com, a social network for the sports fanatic, with team & player pages, including David Freese.
You can use your current Facebook account to create your FREE profile.
It’s a place to stay up-to-date with my latest and greatest articles, but also for you, as sports fans in general, to share all of your photos, videos, articles, etc. about anything sports-related.
GET STARTED: http://thecardroom.lockerdome.com
FOLLOW ME on Twitter @theKMFP