posted on August 26, 2013 00:00
A FICTIONAL SHORT STORY INSPIRED BY REAL EVENTS - LIKE LAW & ORDER WITH NO RAPE
Several weeks ago, a friend of mine hosted a B-Y-O-D Party. That's Bring-Your-Own Dog Party. It was a great event.
All of the music was canine-inspired: Snoop Dog, Nate Dogg, Baja Men. And movies like Beethoven, Turner and Hooch and Air Bud played on loop all day and night. Someone even brought vintage Spuds McKenzie posters to hang on the walls.
As things progressed into the evening, Ryan Braun and his two-man posse showed up. Naturally, they didn't bring their dogs. Knowing Braun, he probably calls his two-man posse "dogs" and figured that fit the criteria. What a dork.
After dowing several Zima's, Braun attempted to bed many of my friends' wives. He failed miserably and received a few slaps for his efforts.
Braun became agitated and incredulous. He stood on the cofee table and proclaimed, "I am Ryan F#&*ING Braun! I am the 2011 National League MVP and my hair alone gets more ass than all of you combined!"
Everything kind of froze at that point. The music stopped and the dogs started barking. In true Braun fashion, he looked over at his two-man posse to get the seal of approval for his next line and yelled, "All of your dogs are bitches!"
He laughed like Johnny Lawrence from the Cobra Kai, stepped off the table and kicked my buddy's Cocker Spaniel named Snickers right in the gut.
Fortunately, we got it on video.
As Braun and his posse were heading to the door, we announced that this video would reach YouTube in several minutes. Braun stopped, came back and reviewed the footage and denied knowingly kicking poor little Snickers. "Dude, that's totally not me," he was heard saying.
With the evidence staring him in the face, he claimed he tripped and fell into a couch cushion - even though there weren't any couches in the room.
Then he dropped $15,000 cash and took the smartphone that had the video.
Ryan Braun: really big douchebag. Thanks for the money, though.
FORMER TITANS LINEBACKER ARRESTED FOR ROBBING CABBIE
Former Titans Linebacker Keith Bulluck was charged with robbery early Sunday morning. It happened after the Titans 27-16 win over the Falcons Saturday night where Bulluck served as Titans presesaon TV analyst.
"I was out with friends last night in Nashville and was taking a cab home," Bulluck said in a statement. "There was a misunderstanding between me and the cab driver about getting my money back for a service not rendered. At 2 a.m., things could easily get lost in translation, but regardless of who was right or wrong, I regret putting myself in that situation."
Translation: "I had so much Hennessy that I was flashing back to my playing days and stripped the driver of his Benjamin thinking it was the football. Why else would I run after taking it?"
POWER RANKINGS - FOOLISH PRESEASON TV ANALYSTS
3. Joe Theismann - He hasn't done anything wrong; just wanted to take this moment to ponder how his prostate is doing.
2. Bernie Kosar - Unfounded rumors suggest Kosar spun his head in circles and spewed green venom after seeing Kellen Clemens throw a 4th Quarter touchdown pass in Denver.
1. Keith Bulluck - Better Keith Bulluck for the Titans than Sandra Bullock, I guess.
ULTIMATE WARRIOR'S THOUGHT FOR THE DAY - "I AM NOT THE CHOSEN ONE"