posted on September 27, 2011 23:50
Life is hard. And there is no question we all have plenty going on upstairs. I created this list because I thought it would be an enjoyable read, but also because considering things like these is something that, once mature, a lot of us men don't do often enough. We become the proverbial "old dogs", and that's unfortunate.
Anyway, I hope that you enjoy the following Ten Things Men Should Do From Time To Time and challenge one another to come up with a few of your own.
1. Stand Your Ground. Literally. Common sense should always set the precedence, but when standing still in a public setting, baring an emergency of some sort, you have the right of way. When some aloof jackass encroaches upon your personal space, own it. Do not move. Do not give way. In some cases, I might even suggest a subtle elbow extension in the assailant’s direction, followed by an insincere apology.
Perhaps this makes me an asshole. I don’t care. Such flagrant, ignorant displays of disrespect – especially in social settings drinking is involved – are simply far too common for my taste. Making offenders of your private space aware of the offense is an honorable public service as far as I am concerned.
2. Pee Outdoors. Whether one opts for the “Sneaky Pete” maneuver (knees bent slightly, scanning the scene), or the “Zen master” (eyes closed in reverence, head tilted upwards and straight ahead), peeing outdoors is an indispensable aspect of being a man. May a cool autumn breeze waft through your pumpkin patch in the near future.
3. Write Out A List Of Personal Goals. Did this several years back…forgot about it…came across the list a few years later and was stunned at the number of items that came into fruition. Whatever your spiritual position on the mysteries of the Universe, I would argue that there has got to be something to this. Try it out. No risk...significant potential reward.
4. Call Out Another Man’s Bullshit. A while back I worked with this dude who – and I bullshit you not – was a master cellist (that would be one who has mastered the art of playing the cello), a semi-pro Frisbee golfer (a stat he would frequently boast to golfing business contacts who had no idea what the fuck he was talking about), a guy who was once “big into the Joplin street racing scene” (a suped up Escort or similar I believe it was), and who was also “certified” to do autopsies, whatever that means. In fact, “Certifications” were a big part of his social resume. He was also a former football star at Truman State and chairman of his fraternity; both astounding feats considering how fat and unathletic he was/is, and the fact no one seemed to like him.
He also was/is an extremely insecure asshole who would just as soon throw you under the boss’ Lexus as he would conjure up these embarrassingly absurd fabrications.
Nothing, I mean nothing brought me more joy than calling him out by simply asking questions, or mockingly suggesting, “you’re certified in that, aren’t you?”
Hopefully, compulsive liars like him are far and few between, but a lot of people bullshit and embellish facts believing the odds are that nobody cares to, or has the balls to challenge them. Sadly, they are often right about this. This ends with you now.
4. Put An Attractive Yet Bitchy Woman In Check. By most anyone’s standards, she was hot. And she’d been looking in my direction for a while that night. So when she made her way through the crowd and into my vicinity, I knew I had to say something before she passed.
I did – a simple flirtatious greeting of some sort – and was shocked when she greeted me back with an unmistakable look of disgust. I suppose my reply was as abrupt to her as it was sincere.
“You’re hot. But you’re clearly a bitch. Have a nice night.”
A lady friend of mine confirmed that my analysis lingered with her at least into the ladies room, where she bitched about my remark to her friends. This pleased me greatly.
5. Fix Something Yourself. There are three types of men in this world…those who are satisfied to have the funds to solve problems, those who take pride in solving problems themselves, and those who are capable of neither.
Obviously, avoid being that last one. And there is certainly no shame in paying for the services of a skilled professional. But tackling a project with no prior knowledge or expertise and finding success to some extent or another often produces a degree of fulfillment unmatched.
6. Go To A Crowded Bar Alone. Not as a social outcast, but as an observer of the communal landscape. Absorb and imbibe the scene. Do so with an air of conviction and you may even pique someone’s interest. But don’t do it all the time. That’s creepy.
7. Read A Book. I’m embarrassed for our society that reading an entire book is as novel a concept as it is. But it’s as good for our cognitive faculties as it is entertaining. And if your objection to reading an entire book is related to a poor attention span…well…case in point.
8. Sing Karaoke. I’m kidding. Unless you have legitimate talent, you need to cut that shit out. And don’t tell me you’re “just having a good time” either. What you’re doing is seeking a drunken escape from a life that clearly lacks a legitimate creative outlet, and you’re doing it at the expense of others who are likely actually trying to have a legitimate good time.
The same applies for those attempting to start waves at sporting events. Therefore, my actual suggestion is that you be sure to have a legitimate creative outlet in your life and that you nurture it, but also that you...
9. Boo A Shitty Karaoke Singer. And/or...
10. Boo A Wave Starter. They've had it coming for some time now.
Thoughts? Got a few of your own? Deeply offended and wish to retaliate? Do not hesitate.
J. Adams is a columnist here at InsideSTL, which means what he writes is solely his opinion and shouldn't be taken personally. So don't be a little bitch about it, but feel free to comment, email him at firstname.lastname@example.org or follow him via @Intangiball on Twitter