Be Confident. Be Funny. That Is All.

Puberty is arguably the most difficult transition a human body can go through, excluding death itself. For boys becoming men, the only phenomenon as remarkable as those first spankings of the monkey is the embarrassment that accompanies psychosocial and physiological maturation.

Caught between two worlds, and both driven and encumbered by raging boners, we stumble into manhood with our stuttering, crackling largely unintelligible battle cries.

Our physical presence…awkward and unintimidating. Our game…weak and undeveloped.

Sadly, for many men, the result is life-long confusion in regards to the opposite sex. For even the best of us at attracting women, training is ongoing and amoebic, and overcoming the memories of early missteps is damn near impossible.

Personally, my studies began in junior high school. Not in the classroom, but the bathroom, of course. Mom had a sizable collection of Cosmopolitan magazines and occasionally I would free my right hand long enough for it to assist the left in holding the publication so as to read the articles.

For a twelve-year-old, the information contained within those glossy, perfumed pages was the equivalent of One-Eyed Willy’s "rich stuff" in The Goonies. Pun intended. My discoveries were significant, even if it took many years to truly understand them.

Eighteen years later, deciphering chromosomal code still remains a challenge. But like the cover of Cosmo, which seems to change in little more than layout and minor title adjustments issue to issue, there are patterns that exist in the realm of courtship.

If I had to narrow them down to a common denominator worthy of men's mercurial attention, it would be one simple phrase: Be confident and be funny.

Interestingly enough, Kayden Kross mentioned these two in our interview, adding the caveat of curiosity (which makes sense considering her line of work). You see, even a porn star acknowledges the distinct advantage a confident, humorous man has over the competition.

An entire library surely exists on wooing the opposite sex, but I thought it would be fun to take a quick look at the dynamics behind these two traits.

Confidence…it’s unmistakable, gender unbiased and not to be confused with cocky (though lesser women fall for that too). Women love confident men and men love confident women.

But that’s not really news, is it.

The problem existing for those who lack this magic panty dampener is that it cannot be falsified. In other words, you are either confident or you are not. What’s more is that women tend to pick up on these things as if men were broadcasting them in HD.

Note to readers: Even the dumbest women are more intuitive than most men and we would be wise to accept it.

So how do you become more confident? It is both simple and difficult to do. Basically, take whatever aspects of yourself that cause you grief and/or guilt (you know exactly what these attributes are), and begin to take conscious steps in the direction of improving them. 

Notice that I said begin. Perfection is not a prerequisite to confidence. In fact, seeking perfection from your self (and from others) is generally rooted in insecurity, the archenemy of confidence.

However, whether you like it or not, your behavior and the energy you exude, essentially your social demeanor as a whole, is a culmination of the thousands of thoughts running through your brain.

Scary, isn’t it?

The good news is that the brain is a resilient – if not fickle – son of a bitch. A few tweaks in your day-to-day and your guilt will begin to subside, revealing a confident man that women will want to be near.

A Buddhist monk might convey this another way…your outer world is a reflection of your inner world. The knowingness that you are conquering life and its challenges, if only to a small extent, will serve to boost your self-esteem and, consequently, the positive manner with which you are perceived. Not just in the realm of romantic relationships, but in all of your relationships.

The bad news is that – like everything else worth attaining – this will require some degree of effort.  But so as long as your swagger reeks of self-doubt and apprehension, it will be skeezers and scallywags for you, sir. 

A Sense of Humor…it’s largely the result of achieving confidence. Notice here that I mention achievement. Not all confident men are funny, but confident, funny guys find it considerably easier to get laid.

Achieving confidence comes by way of overcoming insecurity, something not all confident people have had to do in life. When you achieve confidence, you tend to harvest humility as well. The result is often a robust personality and, well, an entertaining person to be around.

Think about it…what is funny? Humor is of course subjective, but a confident delivery is crucial. Add to it a playful shot at one’s own defeated insecurities, or to a subject taboo in nature that takes some stones to exploit in the first place, and you are likely heading in the right direction no matter the audience.

Point being that if you can get her to laugh with a good-natured jab at that absurd fucking BumpIt in her hair, or her ridiculously large purse, without being deemed an asshole, you’re in.

This is especially powerful because it represents both confidence and a sense of humor. Even if she is only slightly physically attracted to you, she will not be able resist this two-pronged attack (not to be confused with the other kind of two-pronged attack which may or may not be addressed in a future column). 

Just not funny? Confidence will have to do. And it usually does.

Justin Adams is a writer and personal trainer. Follow him on Twitter @Intangiball or send your questions, comments, training inquiries or general talk of smack to justin@intangiball.com